I miss Facebook...

Ok, that isn't entirely true. What I mean is, I miss the illusion that it gave me. I felt more connected with people, like I knew what was going on in their lives and they knew what was going on in mine. I miss seeing photos of my friends and their children. But I don't miss the drama. I don't miss the constant changes and fears of my privacy being violated. So I'm going to attempt to blog more so people can stay up to date with what's going on in our lives.

Jonathan is now a full blown toddler. He turned 18 months old this past week. We had his check up and he weighed in at 23lbs 12 oz and is 46.5 inches tall. The doctor talked with me a little about what to expect as a guess for Jonathan's overall height once he's fully grown...we're going to have a short little boy, big surprise there. Actually he guesses that Jonathan will grow to be between 5'8-5'11. Figuring Ryan and I's heights I'm excited to see if he will be taller than Ryan or not. He also got his last shot until he's ready to start Kindergarten. HOORAY!!! He's growing leaps and bounds these days. He still loves to dance and in addition to that he's also really enjoying squatting and then saying "ready, set, GO!" and jumping. I've only seen him leave the ground once so far but I'm quite impressed with his interest in jumping up and down at such a young age! He's such a fun little boy. He's also begun starting to test his boundaries or limits. I've begun giving him 1 minute long time outs. They seem to be working for now! He rarely gets to that point though. To this date he's only had 2 time outs and they've been about 2-3 months apart. He enjoys getting to walk around when we're out and about, however, I've noticed he's starting to experience a little stranger danger, in some circumstances. I love how he takes my finger and walks beside me. I cherish those moments so much, I know they will be gone all too soon.

As for Ryan and myself, I recently underwent a job change. I gave my two week notice to the daycare I was working out right after the holidays. I enjoyed working there, the ladies were a blast, and my position seemed to fit me to a T...but the drive and the time frame that I was working was really taking a toll on Ryan, Jonathan and myself. Now, I'm working at Ace here in town. It's really nice being back there with Mom, and getting to see some of my favorite people more often!! Ryan is doing well with work, nothing really has changed with his hours, still doing the split shift. He's also been doing quite a bit more design work on the side, it's so exciting to see him doing what he's passionate about and building his business! We look forward to the day that his design work is his only job. Zeke is doing great, we finally found a groomer that he likes and I couldn't be more thrilled! Next week Ryan will be taking him for his 3 year rabies shot...such a stressful time for me and Zeke. I pray Ryan will be able to handle it much better than I ever have been able to.

Ryan, Jonathan and I are all traveling out to Washington state in just over a week to visit my family and attend my "cousin's" wedding. I am so excited to see everyone! Rumor is we may even get to do a little scouting out the area. We are prayerfully considering a move out that way in the next 6 months-couple years. Will you join us in praying that God will guide our steps in the way that He wants us go? (Yes I realize most of my readers will be praying against the move...hehe, but that's ok. I know you all love us!)

Until next time...

Grief

**disclaimer: I do not pretend to think that my grief is more intense or less intense than people grieving in other circumstances...I'm just here to process my thoughts and share what I'm feeling and where I'm at, with those who are here to read what I have to say.**

My dog is dying. Just typing those words wells up tears and pain I have been suppressing for years. I knew one day it would come, but that "someday" wasn't those days, so I'd weep a little and then do anything to focus on the present. But, I fear I'm at a point now where I can no longer just suppress it and move forward. He had a second "episode" as I'll call it tonight. I won't go into the details, just know, he appeared more brave than I, and like a faithful owner, I was there by his side until he was up and walking again. I lost it after that. I asked Ryan to put Jonathan to bed, to take Zeke outside, and informed him I was going to call my mother and cry. And I did just that, and then I text messaged with my dear sister in law and wept more. And finally my dad called and I wept even harder.

I shared my fear one by one with each of them, not for life without Zeke. I know that I will be okay, we'll probably even get another dog, and more so, I know that Christ will continue His reign of King in my life...His gospel will go forth. No, I fear that, in my grief, I'll not take adequate care of my son while my husband is away at work. I fear the "alone" time. But that fear, it isn't truth, is it? It's a lie. An ugly, bold faced lie. I won't be alone. Ryan text messages me every day, all day when he's working, I'm not alone. Jonathan, being all of 8 months old, doesn't leave my presence, I'm not alone. My mother, lives a block and a half away, I'm not alone. My brother & sister-in-law live a block and a half in the opposite direction, I'm not alone. I'm loved and adored by people within minutes of me, and honestly across the US in both directions, I'm not alone. The Holy Spirit dwells within me, I'm not alone. I was made in Christ's image, I'm not alone.
My sinful soul has been redeemed by my sinless Savior who paid my ransom on a cross, that I would be reconciled to him, I AM NOT ALONE.

Oh the things the Lord is doing...

Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long between posts! I have been crazy busy training for a half marathon in about 8 weeks and now being an Avon lady on top of everything else! I feel like I'm really starting to find myself again, and it is such a blessing. But I don't want to just make this an update blog. I want to share the power of repentance.

So before I can get to that, I feel that I owe you all the hard, honest truth. I have struggled immensely with admitting to myself just how big my sin is/has been.  I have known that I mess up, that I make mistakes, and I'm very open about that. But to really own it, to have my heart broken about it didn't happen. The more deeply you get to know me, the more then I'm sure you've seen the extent of just how damaging this has been to those closest to me. I have destroyed friendships from my actions. I have done deep damage to family members and those that I absolutely love more than anything in this world.

But, lately, Christ has really been showing me just how easily my words wound. How deep my sin reaches. And, so, little by little bit by bit, the Lord has been chipping away at this sin and compelling me to repentance, to reconciliation. I'm not nearly finished, the Lord is still working in my heart, but I just can't contain the joy in my heart over seeing my sin in its full ugly glory.

And man, can I just tell you how beautiful it is?? I spent a good hour yesterday just sobbing over beautiful glimpses into a reconciliation that I have desperately been begging God for. The more I rejoiced over this, the more it moved me to think on the cross. The more I thought about the cross, the more I thought about how deep the gap is between God's holy righteousness, and my ridiculously ugly sin. And all I could do was rejoice that God sent his son, his glorious son, to pay my debt. Now let me tell you, I know some of us have heard those words over and over again. But when I stop to think about the debt my sin causes...it feels so huge that nothing could ever cover that. And yet, Jesus made a way, He offered up his body as a living sacrifice to pay that debt. BOOM! How amazing is that?!?!

My prayer is that the Holy Spirit will continue this good work in me, that I wouldn't settle or push it on the back burner because it hurts or I'm scared. But that He would continue to mold me into a woman who praises the Lord with all that she has, knowing full well the depth of her sin and just how huge the cross and her God really is.

Have a beautiful weekend you guys!   

The Name Game...Take 2

You may recall my first post, the name game (http://prodigalsponderings.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-name-game.html) where I explained where his names come from. Jonathan for a dearly departed brother in Christ, and James for both my Great Uncle & my father. I absolutely adore both names and more importantly the men that the names honor, so much that I'm having the worst time settling on calling him solely by one of his names. I've been experimenting with loads of nicknames, and variations of his name. And I've come to this conclusion; I have no idea what I'll call him. I enjoy calling him Jonathan and James both, so for now that's what I'm going to do, I'll continue to use them interchangeably.

Fall fun

I got to pick up my beautiful niece from preschool today! Together we made chocolate & caramel covered apples! They turned out so good, I can't wait to try them!!

One has to start somewhere...

I've been avoiding this blog for over a week now. I promised you all my "before" photos...and well here they are. (For modesty sake I'll be taking them in a tank top & shorts.)

My starting weight is 213 pounds.

My goal weight is 145. 

So there you have it...the start of my journey. Follow along as I fight to shed all of this! 

Let the countdown begin!

I can not be more excited...my little man is 5 weeks old, which means I am just days away from my 6 week postnatal check up and being cleared to get back in the gym! I am so pumped to get back in there. I've started reading articles and books on physical training to prepare and encourage myself. I want to get all of the knowledge I can as I progress so that I can pursue personal training even just as a hobby. In the spirit of progress and motivation I'll start posting photos of my progress on here, so be watching for my shots starting next week the day I'm cleared (of course it'll just be a "before") shot so that we can all see where I'm starting out.

So for today, here's some fun shots from my Army days that are some visual motivation for me to see where I'm going!

A time to trust

I struggle so bad with trust...which makes no sense, really, as I know the truths that the Lord is in control. That He knows the number of my days, and even more so that He lovingly sent His son to this world to live a perfect, blameless life and died a horrific death, that those who believe in Him would be made new in a right relationship with God through Jesus' sacrifice. So why, like a child, do I forsake the truths I know so dearly for the crippling reality of fear? The only answer I have is sin...that is my sin that I struggle dearly with. I'm so thankful that despite my sin, it's already paid for and the Lord is using my struggles to teach me and show me how to trust more and more every day...here's what has been going on in my life the last few days...

Wednesday evening was a little scary, but I had no idea how scary Thursday morning would be. I started noticing some wheezing in my breathing when I would lay down starting on Monday evening. I then developed a dry cough...and from there it transitioned into feeling short of breath as of Wednesday evening. Ryan and I decided we would try to get me into the OB Thursday morning. When I called the emergency line to hopefully get in to see the doctor, he calmly urged me to go to the er to be checked out, just to be safe.

There we found out following a chest xray that there was quite a bit of fluid retention in my chest, around my lungs and even a little around my heart...I thought, maybe pneumonia. A CT scan followed my xray to check for a blood clot, that really started to scare me. We quickly praised the Lord when it came back negative...no blood clot. Next we were informed that I would undergo an ultrasound of my heart, to check for any problems there...Praise the Lord, again...we got the all clear! The cardiologist even exclaimed, "She has a beautiful heart." Then came the next heartbreaking news, I'd be admitted for observance and given diuretics to flush out the excess fluids and try to rule out the possibility of pneumonia. As you can imagine, by this point I was a wreck; crying, high blood pressure. I was so scared of being left there all alone over night, while my husband and 5 day old son returned home without me. Imagine our delight when we found out that the hospital I was in, doesn't believe in separating loved ones if they don't have to. What a blessing to have Ryan & Jonathan by my side as labs continually were drawn and bathroom trips were very frequent thanks to the diuretics.

Throughout the course of my 24+ hour stay I dropped more than 10 pounds in water weight...with still quite a ways still to go to get all of this extra fluid out! I was released yesterday afternoon with more water pills to do once a day at a home. It's nice to not feel so swollen, I guess I didn't realize how uncomfortable I was until I lost it!  Thank you Lord, for providing a minimal health set back that could have been so much worse! Thank you for providing even the comforts of having my husband and son in the hospital by my side. Thank you for the love of friends and family who surround us and continue to help Ryan & I during our adjustment into parenthood.

A love worth waiting for...a note about my labor!

All of my life I've wanted to be a mother. I would play pretend as a little girl that I had loads of children. I hoped in my teen years that I would marry and start having children around the age of 21. But we all know how that story goes. I married at the age of 28, and my son, Jonathan, was born just months shy of my 30th birthday! As I type his tiny 4-day old self is laying in the swing within arms reach, fast asleep. I can't believe this child I've longed for all my life...is finally here. It only took 29 years in the making, 37 weeks of baking and 36 hours of labor for him to arrive. It couldn't have happened any better. God's timing is impeccable, don't you think?? He couldn't have formed a more wonderful son for my husband and myself! Jonathan is wonderful and worth every second of waiting!

I've had several people, including my doctor and nurses, tell me since his arrival how much of a trooper, champ, all star, etc I was during the whole ordeal. The fact of the matter, at least from my perspective, is that I'm not all that. Half of my labor I didn't feel anything except my water breaking...over and again! Then when I did start to feel the pain, I quickly became discouraged and asked for an epidural. Best decision, EVER! I was able to get a full nights rest and then when I woke up the next morning, it was just about time to push. I was scared the entire 36 hours...no, terrified! I didn't know what to expect, and I didn't know how everything would happen...and that is my worst nightmare. But God is gracious, and allowed me to have ways of listening to some worship music for a lot of my hours and that made all of the difference in the world! I just kept singing along with the songs in my head, and when I couldn't focus on the music because of the pain...I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I asked God to take control of the whole situation (even though I knew he had complete control over every moment of it!) I prayed that I couldn't do this on my own and that Jonathan was His creation, and begged the Lord to deliver my son as safely as possible. And he did! Thank you Lord, that your love isn't a love we need to wait for...that's its tangible and here for us now!!

Gestational Diabetes Day 2...

So the pricking of the finger is getting annoying, however it's really encouraging that I only have one more reading to do tonight and so far all of my levels have been completely normal! Now that's grace! I've been learning new foods to eat too, as well as trying to wean myself off of carbs/at least eat them in moderation. This morning for instance, I had an english muffin with peanut butter & an apple for breakfast, a greek yogurt & a cheese stick for a snack...For dinner, man I had an amazing new recipe...I highly recommend you try it out.

I saw the photo on pinterest and instantly started craving pizza. The beautiful thing about this pizza is that it is crustless, and therefore nearly carbless. The only thing that counted against me was the abundance of vegetables we put on it. MAN, was it good! We put fresh mushrooms, onions, garlic, and green bell peppers as well some sausage on our pizza.

So here is the link...Go try it, you won't be disappointed!

http://www.plainchicken.com/2012/03/wheres-crust-pizza.html

Trusting in the Gospel...it's time to walk by Faith!

I am LIVID today, and sad, and disappointed. On top of having a PUPPS rash, (which praise the Lord is fully under control, for now) I've just received word that I also now have Gestational Diabetes (GD). "Really, body?!?" was my initial reaction. And then the more it sank in, the more I was utterly disappointed in myself. You see, my grandmother, one of the most amazing women that I love so dearly, died from Type 1 Diabetes at a relatively young age. And I swore to myself I would NEVER, EVER allow myself to get to the point of having Type 2 Diabetes. And now, here I am...25 weeks pregnant and have GD. How could I allow my weight and my body to get to this point I have found myself wondering. How could I let myself get this bad, this far, to a point that I know would be disappointing news to Grandma...and so it is disappointing to me. And then I get mad, like really mad. I haven't felt this mad and determined in years. And I keep telling myself that I'm lucky I'm pregnant and I better enjoy it because in about 5 months (4 until Jonathan arrives and a month or so for healing) I'm going to beat the heck out of my body at the gym. I look forward to it, and quite frankly, I crave it at this point.

What do all of these emotions have in common? They show me how desperately I need the Lord. I can't live this life on my own and when I do, I abuse my body, my mind, my heart. I find myself in this place where I am now, angry, sad, and sick. It's out of the abundance of God's grace, mercy and love that propels me to want to live this life amazingly. God has given SO much to and for me and out of that sheer greatness and mercy that I want to give the best of me to my son, my husband, my family, friends, church body. I want my life to scream Jesus' name. It's time. It's time to walk by faith. It's time to trust the Gospel. And when I fail, as of course I will, I'm human...it'll be time then too to trust the Gospel!

Thank you Father that though I am weak, You are strong. Though I disappoint, you give grace. What a beautiful thing that really is!

The beauty of a rash

I am officially 24 weeks pregnant.The uncomfortableness of being pregnant has begun. But if that weren't enough, I've also come down with a rash commonly known as PUPPS. I will have it until baby Jonathan is born. At times its itchy, others its painful, and it keeps me up at night.Below you can see how my leg looks, it's a glimpse at how my arms, legs, back, and belly look. So you're probably thinking, "Em, your title says there is beauty in a rash...where's it at?"

Well, if you know me personally, you know that I am a pretty independent person. But being so tired and itchy and not feeling good in general has made me extremely needy. I find myself crying to Ryan, my mom, my dad, dear friends about how miserable I am. I rest a lot.

This morning at worship the Holy Spirit placed on my heart how beautiful this rash is. I have been praying for the Lord to soften my heart, my words. And He's doing just that through this rash. He's showing me just how dependent on Him that I should be. He loves me so much that He gave His son, to die in my place. Jesus paid the cost of my sins so that I could live a life in relationship with the Father. He holds my precious life in His hands. He has known me since before the world was made. The Lord knew this rash would come and that I would struggle, and in that struggle I would learn to depend more on Him. He knew I would be reminded to trust Him and see that He is good. THAT is beautiful.

Here's a song we sang in worship this morning...what a blessing to my spirit it was!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jYLTn4fKYQ

A son!!! I am carrying my son!

The ultrasound appointment could have gone more smoothly. But it was still picture perfect. I had my loving husband beside me, my mother and my dear friend Ami as well. It was wonderful! The ultrasound tech went through showing us what each screenshot she took was of. And then she got to his legs and pointed them both out to us, and that's when I knew. I asked her if the baby was a boy, and she confirmed it. I couldn't do anything but hold Ryan's hand and look at my beautiful baby boy on the screen, tears rolled gently down my face as I watched. When we were all done, I got off the table, I wrapped my arms around Ami and we wept.As I held my dear friend, it was all I could do but weep and thank the Lord for this miracle gift of a son.

Ryan, Ami, myself and I'm sure others have been praying for this child. We've also been asking the Lord that he give us a son. God has been so gracious through the waiting! Between Ryan and I we both had had 3 different dreams that our child was a boy leading up to the ultrasound. 

And so, with great joy, I anxiously await my beautiful son's arrival. Jonathan James Prickett you have such a wonderful namesake! You are loved my son, by our Creator, your father and I, your auntie Ami, your Godparents, your Grandparents, your aunts, uncles, cousins, and your church family too!

Life is hard...

I've been walking a hard path along side my darling friend who recently lost her husband. (Why do we say someone "lost" someone who passed away? It's not like we don't know where he is, we do. Or why do they refer to someones spouse that passed away as their "late" spouse, Jon isn't late. He's with my Savior, if anything we are late to the party. But that's another blog, another day.)  I've struggled through the whys and how could yous of this hard time, my dear friend and I have cried together, laughed together, sat quietly together and made a heck of a mess together too. And yet one common theme still rings in our conversations. Life is hard right now. Life doesn't make sense sometimes. But, sometimes, it makes complete sense.

Today I had the pleasure of going on a quick car trip with my friend. I had the honor of just sitting and listening as she spoke. As she shared what's been happening in her world. I can't even fathom it, it doesn't seem real all the time...and yet, here we are. Tears were brimming my eyes as she shared and I shared some of what has been going on in my heart too. All the while the radio was playing in the background. Every new topic we discussed it was like God was handpicking out lyrics for us to hear. The main theme of all of the songs was pure truth. Christ endured a hard life that we might have life in Him, He will never leave us, We are never alone. And that, if nothing else right now, makes perfect sense.

This is one of the songs that was playing as we spoke:
You'll Never Be Alone

The name game

The two biggest questions I get these days are,
1. "Are you going to find out what you are having?"
2. "Do you have names picked out?"

Well the answer is yes, we are going to find out the gender we are having (so long as baby cooperates), and the ultrasound is scheduled for the 28th of this month!! 2 weeks from tomorrow is the big day and I can hardly wait!!

The second question has been harder for me. We have the boy name set, if I'm blessed with a boy he will be named Jonathan James Prickett. The name holds big meaning to my husband and I as a dearly beloved brother in Christ of ours was recently called home to be with the Lord. His name was Jonathan. My brother's name is John. So the baby would be named for the both of them. James is also a family name. My great uncle is named James and my father's middle name is James as well, so his middle name will come from the both of them.

The girl name has posed a problem for me since day 1. There have been a few names that I really like and would love to name a daughter for, one in particular being my grandmother Yvonne. I've thought and entertained several beautiful names and yet none of them seem to click in my mind as much as the boy name does. I've lost a few nights sleep over trying to find a girls name I am head over heels with, so I've decided unless the ultra sound tells us its a girl I'm not going to fuss about it anymore. (Dear baby, if you are a girl, know that it isn't a lack of love for you that we can't figure out a name for you yet, but rather, that I want just the right name for you! :-)

A boring/exciting testimony...

I found myself in prayer the other day as I was driving home from the gym. As I prayed a conversation came to mind that I had had with other believers months ago. We were talking about our testimonies and one friend commented how sometimes she gets jealous that she has what we sometimes call a "boring testimony," meaning she was saved at an early age and raised by believers. She didn't make a lot of bad choices but from an early age had walked with the Lord. My husband and I have what is sometimes called an "exciting testimony" we were both raised in good homes and grew up going to a church. But we didn't become believers until later in life and a whole lot of terrible choices came before we found salvation in Christ.

As I prayed over my friends and family, etc I found myself praying over my unborn child. I started to pray that my child would have a boring testimony...and then the Lord laid a different prayer on my heart. It doesn't matter if my child has a boring or exciting testimony. It doesn't matter what I  did or didn't do. What matters is what Christ did. He lived a sinless life, He died on the cross, He rose from the dead, He sits at God's right hand. He did it so that I could have life in Him. And so my prayer now is that my child just simply has a testimony, for that would mean that my child came to have abundant life in our Creator. And that, to me, is ALL that matters.

A long time coming...

Holy moly, I can't believe my last blog was December 2011...so sorry if you were following me!! So very much has happened since then! I am now very happily married to my best friend and love Ryan. That happened in July 2012...and we're expecting our first child, due August 2013! What an amazing and God blessed 7 months its been since we were married. It's been very challenging, we've laughed, we've cried, we've fought, and fought some more, we've mourned the passing of an amazing Godly man, we've cherished new babies born into our church family, we've said good bye to dear friends who moved away and hello to new friends that came into our lives. Ryan was blessed at the very beginning of our marriage (we were literally on our honeymoon when he got the call) to be offered a very well paying job, and at the start of this new year I lost my job and am now a stay at home wife. I wouldn't have my life any other way. God's grace has been overly abundant sprinkling into our lives at times and showering down at others but always present none the less.

And so here we are, all caught up on what I've been up to (for the most part I know I left a lot out) and now we can move forward in blogs to come! For tonight, enjoy some engagement, wedding, and family photos!

  Engaged: January 2011

 

 Married: July 21 2012

                        

 Tobinson Family photos taken Fall 2012

Life moments

Sometimes life puts us in a position that forces us to take a nice long look at our lives. The last few months have been that for me. Its been a wild ride. A wild, beautiful, rough ride.

And yet, God has been so good to me through it all. He's brought some amazing new people to my life. Sisters that have stepped up along side me and walked with me down this bumpy road. And I am so thankful. So thankful to my God that He cares enough about me to allow me to walk this road all the while never leaving me. And to put icing on His amazing cake, He's physically put some wonderful women beside me. I praise my God for walking with me, sanctifying me, and giving me some amazing new friends who love me and care for me and walk this hard road with me all the while helping point me back to the glorious cross!

Now that's what I call Gospel community the way Christ intended it to be!

No matter what....blessed be the name of the Lord!

PSALM 113

Praise the Lord!

Praise, O servants of the Lord,

praise the name of the Lord!

Blessed be the name of the Lord

from this time forth and forevermore!

From the rising of the sun to its setting,

the name of the Lord is to be praised!

The Lord is high above all nations,

and his glory above the heavens!

Who is like the Lord our God,

who is seated on high,

who looks far down

on the heavens and the earth?

He raises the poor from the dust

and lifts the needy from the ash heap,

to make them sit with princes,

with the princes of his people.

He gives the barren woman a home,

making her the joyous mother of children.

Praise the Lord!

I found it soo fitting this week that I read this passage as the responsive reading at worship this morning. I volunteered before I had read it. What a blessing it was to my life reading through it before worship and rehearsing it at home. I still find it such a comfort. I'm surrounded by death lately. By mourning. By grief. Its hard. I don't have the answers. And I have so many questions. But I'm comforted that regardless of the situation, I have someone who knows all the answers...who knows all I can take. Even when I feel like giving up, and boy do I ever. I had to shut off my emotions regarding 9/11 because I feel like I can't take anymore...and just when I thought I'd made it through the day my mom comes home crying, she's lost a friend in a tragic motorcycle accident. LORD BE WITH ALL THAT MOURN.  "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matt 5:4 Comfort us Jesus...pick us up and move us forward...regardless Lord, your name is worthy to be praised and I will praise the name of the Lord forevermore. 

Self-Care vs. Self-Destruct

Father God,

WHY!!! Was she in pain? Was it quick? Did she cry out to you? Did she know it was coming? WHY??? That sweet little girl, she'll be so confused and grown up wayyyy too young. Its going to rob her of her childhood...and probably mess with her adolescence. WHY??? That sweet newborn boy will only have a very few pictures of the precious 10 days she had with him. WHY GOD??? WHYYYYYYYYYY? I don't get it. What will happen to this family that is destroyed? Will there be women to stand up and teach the children of her? Will we get to watch them grow up? Where does he go from here? Will they all stay together?

So many thoughts race through my mind as I think about this beautiful woman, 26 years of age, taken just 6 years after her daughter's birth and 10 DAYS after her son's birth. And yet, I can't even talk out loud about it without losing it. Those poor precious children had their mom riped from them so young. And her man, bless his heart...I can't even comprehend his pain. I do what I know best, the only thing I can do right now....never ending prayers cried out on their behalf. I have a Father, who hears them. Who is sovereign. Who knows everything I need and supplies it. Who is holding this young family in the palm of His hand up against His heart. He after all, hand crafted each and every one of these people I'm crying out about. He knows them all by name and what will happen. I find peace and hope in that. So tonight, I cry out for them...and for me. I'd rather start crying out for me and others when I'm broken than continue on the path of self-destruction. That's what happens when I don't care for myself and only for others...I self-destruct...and in that I hurt the ones I love. I don't want that. I want to love them, because I don't know when my Maker will call me or them home. But to love them the right way, I must first love me and the only way I can love me is if I'm in right relationship with my God & King.

---Thank you Kandy for being there tonight to talk with me and remind me of that...God knew I needed you. Thank you for allowing him to use you as an instrument to get through to me.---