Grief

**disclaimer: I do not pretend to think that my grief is more intense or less intense than people grieving in other circumstances...I'm just here to process my thoughts and share what I'm feeling and where I'm at, with those who are here to read what I have to say.**

My dog is dying. Just typing those words wells up tears and pain I have been suppressing for years. I knew one day it would come, but that "someday" wasn't those days, so I'd weep a little and then do anything to focus on the present. But, I fear I'm at a point now where I can no longer just suppress it and move forward. He had a second "episode" as I'll call it tonight. I won't go into the details, just know, he appeared more brave than I, and like a faithful owner, I was there by his side until he was up and walking again. I lost it after that. I asked Ryan to put Jonathan to bed, to take Zeke outside, and informed him I was going to call my mother and cry. And I did just that, and then I text messaged with my dear sister in law and wept more. And finally my dad called and I wept even harder.

I shared my fear one by one with each of them, not for life without Zeke. I know that I will be okay, we'll probably even get another dog, and more so, I know that Christ will continue His reign of King in my life...His gospel will go forth. No, I fear that, in my grief, I'll not take adequate care of my son while my husband is away at work. I fear the "alone" time. But that fear, it isn't truth, is it? It's a lie. An ugly, bold faced lie. I won't be alone. Ryan text messages me every day, all day when he's working, I'm not alone. Jonathan, being all of 8 months old, doesn't leave my presence, I'm not alone. My mother, lives a block and a half away, I'm not alone. My brother & sister-in-law live a block and a half in the opposite direction, I'm not alone. I'm loved and adored by people within minutes of me, and honestly across the US in both directions, I'm not alone. The Holy Spirit dwells within me, I'm not alone. I was made in Christ's image, I'm not alone.
My sinful soul has been redeemed by my sinless Savior who paid my ransom on a cross, that I would be reconciled to him, I AM NOT ALONE.