The Name Game...Take 2

You may recall my first post, the name game (http://prodigalsponderings.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-name-game.html) where I explained where his names come from. Jonathan for a dearly departed brother in Christ, and James for both my Great Uncle & my father. I absolutely adore both names and more importantly the men that the names honor, so much that I'm having the worst time settling on calling him solely by one of his names. I've been experimenting with loads of nicknames, and variations of his name. And I've come to this conclusion; I have no idea what I'll call him. I enjoy calling him Jonathan and James both, so for now that's what I'm going to do, I'll continue to use them interchangeably.

Fall fun

I got to pick up my beautiful niece from preschool today! Together we made chocolate & caramel covered apples! They turned out so good, I can't wait to try them!!

One has to start somewhere...

I've been avoiding this blog for over a week now. I promised you all my "before" photos...and well here they are. (For modesty sake I'll be taking them in a tank top & shorts.)

My starting weight is 213 pounds.

My goal weight is 145. 

So there you have it...the start of my journey. Follow along as I fight to shed all of this! 

Let the countdown begin!

I can not be more excited...my little man is 5 weeks old, which means I am just days away from my 6 week postnatal check up and being cleared to get back in the gym! I am so pumped to get back in there. I've started reading articles and books on physical training to prepare and encourage myself. I want to get all of the knowledge I can as I progress so that I can pursue personal training even just as a hobby. In the spirit of progress and motivation I'll start posting photos of my progress on here, so be watching for my shots starting next week the day I'm cleared (of course it'll just be a "before") shot so that we can all see where I'm starting out.

So for today, here's some fun shots from my Army days that are some visual motivation for me to see where I'm going!

A time to trust

I struggle so bad with trust...which makes no sense, really, as I know the truths that the Lord is in control. That He knows the number of my days, and even more so that He lovingly sent His son to this world to live a perfect, blameless life and died a horrific death, that those who believe in Him would be made new in a right relationship with God through Jesus' sacrifice. So why, like a child, do I forsake the truths I know so dearly for the crippling reality of fear? The only answer I have is sin...that is my sin that I struggle dearly with. I'm so thankful that despite my sin, it's already paid for and the Lord is using my struggles to teach me and show me how to trust more and more every day...here's what has been going on in my life the last few days...

Wednesday evening was a little scary, but I had no idea how scary Thursday morning would be. I started noticing some wheezing in my breathing when I would lay down starting on Monday evening. I then developed a dry cough...and from there it transitioned into feeling short of breath as of Wednesday evening. Ryan and I decided we would try to get me into the OB Thursday morning. When I called the emergency line to hopefully get in to see the doctor, he calmly urged me to go to the er to be checked out, just to be safe.

There we found out following a chest xray that there was quite a bit of fluid retention in my chest, around my lungs and even a little around my heart...I thought, maybe pneumonia. A CT scan followed my xray to check for a blood clot, that really started to scare me. We quickly praised the Lord when it came back negative...no blood clot. Next we were informed that I would undergo an ultrasound of my heart, to check for any problems there...Praise the Lord, again...we got the all clear! The cardiologist even exclaimed, "She has a beautiful heart." Then came the next heartbreaking news, I'd be admitted for observance and given diuretics to flush out the excess fluids and try to rule out the possibility of pneumonia. As you can imagine, by this point I was a wreck; crying, high blood pressure. I was so scared of being left there all alone over night, while my husband and 5 day old son returned home without me. Imagine our delight when we found out that the hospital I was in, doesn't believe in separating loved ones if they don't have to. What a blessing to have Ryan & Jonathan by my side as labs continually were drawn and bathroom trips were very frequent thanks to the diuretics.

Throughout the course of my 24+ hour stay I dropped more than 10 pounds in water weight...with still quite a ways still to go to get all of this extra fluid out! I was released yesterday afternoon with more water pills to do once a day at a home. It's nice to not feel so swollen, I guess I didn't realize how uncomfortable I was until I lost it!  Thank you Lord, for providing a minimal health set back that could have been so much worse! Thank you for providing even the comforts of having my husband and son in the hospital by my side. Thank you for the love of friends and family who surround us and continue to help Ryan & I during our adjustment into parenthood.

A love worth waiting for...a note about my labor!

All of my life I've wanted to be a mother. I would play pretend as a little girl that I had loads of children. I hoped in my teen years that I would marry and start having children around the age of 21. But we all know how that story goes. I married at the age of 28, and my son, Jonathan, was born just months shy of my 30th birthday! As I type his tiny 4-day old self is laying in the swing within arms reach, fast asleep. I can't believe this child I've longed for all my life...is finally here. It only took 29 years in the making, 37 weeks of baking and 36 hours of labor for him to arrive. It couldn't have happened any better. God's timing is impeccable, don't you think?? He couldn't have formed a more wonderful son for my husband and myself! Jonathan is wonderful and worth every second of waiting!

I've had several people, including my doctor and nurses, tell me since his arrival how much of a trooper, champ, all star, etc I was during the whole ordeal. The fact of the matter, at least from my perspective, is that I'm not all that. Half of my labor I didn't feel anything except my water breaking...over and again! Then when I did start to feel the pain, I quickly became discouraged and asked for an epidural. Best decision, EVER! I was able to get a full nights rest and then when I woke up the next morning, it was just about time to push. I was scared the entire 36 hours...no, terrified! I didn't know what to expect, and I didn't know how everything would happen...and that is my worst nightmare. But God is gracious, and allowed me to have ways of listening to some worship music for a lot of my hours and that made all of the difference in the world! I just kept singing along with the songs in my head, and when I couldn't focus on the music because of the pain...I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I asked God to take control of the whole situation (even though I knew he had complete control over every moment of it!) I prayed that I couldn't do this on my own and that Jonathan was His creation, and begged the Lord to deliver my son as safely as possible. And he did! Thank you Lord, that your love isn't a love we need to wait for...that's its tangible and here for us now!!

Gestational Diabetes Day 2...

So the pricking of the finger is getting annoying, however it's really encouraging that I only have one more reading to do tonight and so far all of my levels have been completely normal! Now that's grace! I've been learning new foods to eat too, as well as trying to wean myself off of carbs/at least eat them in moderation. This morning for instance, I had an english muffin with peanut butter & an apple for breakfast, a greek yogurt & a cheese stick for a snack...For dinner, man I had an amazing new recipe...I highly recommend you try it out.

I saw the photo on pinterest and instantly started craving pizza. The beautiful thing about this pizza is that it is crustless, and therefore nearly carbless. The only thing that counted against me was the abundance of vegetables we put on it. MAN, was it good! We put fresh mushrooms, onions, garlic, and green bell peppers as well some sausage on our pizza.

So here is the link...Go try it, you won't be disappointed!

http://www.plainchicken.com/2012/03/wheres-crust-pizza.html

Trusting in the Gospel...it's time to walk by Faith!

I am LIVID today, and sad, and disappointed. On top of having a PUPPS rash, (which praise the Lord is fully under control, for now) I've just received word that I also now have Gestational Diabetes (GD). "Really, body?!?" was my initial reaction. And then the more it sank in, the more I was utterly disappointed in myself. You see, my grandmother, one of the most amazing women that I love so dearly, died from Type 1 Diabetes at a relatively young age. And I swore to myself I would NEVER, EVER allow myself to get to the point of having Type 2 Diabetes. And now, here I am...25 weeks pregnant and have GD. How could I allow my weight and my body to get to this point I have found myself wondering. How could I let myself get this bad, this far, to a point that I know would be disappointing news to Grandma...and so it is disappointing to me. And then I get mad, like really mad. I haven't felt this mad and determined in years. And I keep telling myself that I'm lucky I'm pregnant and I better enjoy it because in about 5 months (4 until Jonathan arrives and a month or so for healing) I'm going to beat the heck out of my body at the gym. I look forward to it, and quite frankly, I crave it at this point.

What do all of these emotions have in common? They show me how desperately I need the Lord. I can't live this life on my own and when I do, I abuse my body, my mind, my heart. I find myself in this place where I am now, angry, sad, and sick. It's out of the abundance of God's grace, mercy and love that propels me to want to live this life amazingly. God has given SO much to and for me and out of that sheer greatness and mercy that I want to give the best of me to my son, my husband, my family, friends, church body. I want my life to scream Jesus' name. It's time. It's time to walk by faith. It's time to trust the Gospel. And when I fail, as of course I will, I'm human...it'll be time then too to trust the Gospel!

Thank you Father that though I am weak, You are strong. Though I disappoint, you give grace. What a beautiful thing that really is!

The beauty of a rash

I am officially 24 weeks pregnant.The uncomfortableness of being pregnant has begun. But if that weren't enough, I've also come down with a rash commonly known as PUPPS. I will have it until baby Jonathan is born. At times its itchy, others its painful, and it keeps me up at night.Below you can see how my leg looks, it's a glimpse at how my arms, legs, back, and belly look. So you're probably thinking, "Em, your title says there is beauty in a rash...where's it at?"

Well, if you know me personally, you know that I am a pretty independent person. But being so tired and itchy and not feeling good in general has made me extremely needy. I find myself crying to Ryan, my mom, my dad, dear friends about how miserable I am. I rest a lot.

This morning at worship the Holy Spirit placed on my heart how beautiful this rash is. I have been praying for the Lord to soften my heart, my words. And He's doing just that through this rash. He's showing me just how dependent on Him that I should be. He loves me so much that He gave His son, to die in my place. Jesus paid the cost of my sins so that I could live a life in relationship with the Father. He holds my precious life in His hands. He has known me since before the world was made. The Lord knew this rash would come and that I would struggle, and in that struggle I would learn to depend more on Him. He knew I would be reminded to trust Him and see that He is good. THAT is beautiful.

Here's a song we sang in worship this morning...what a blessing to my spirit it was!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jYLTn4fKYQ

A son!!! I am carrying my son!

The ultrasound appointment could have gone more smoothly. But it was still picture perfect. I had my loving husband beside me, my mother and my dear friend Ami as well. It was wonderful! The ultrasound tech went through showing us what each screenshot she took was of. And then she got to his legs and pointed them both out to us, and that's when I knew. I asked her if the baby was a boy, and she confirmed it. I couldn't do anything but hold Ryan's hand and look at my beautiful baby boy on the screen, tears rolled gently down my face as I watched. When we were all done, I got off the table, I wrapped my arms around Ami and we wept.As I held my dear friend, it was all I could do but weep and thank the Lord for this miracle gift of a son.

Ryan, Ami, myself and I'm sure others have been praying for this child. We've also been asking the Lord that he give us a son. God has been so gracious through the waiting! Between Ryan and I we both had had 3 different dreams that our child was a boy leading up to the ultrasound. 

And so, with great joy, I anxiously await my beautiful son's arrival. Jonathan James Prickett you have such a wonderful namesake! You are loved my son, by our Creator, your father and I, your auntie Ami, your Godparents, your Grandparents, your aunts, uncles, cousins, and your church family too!

Life is hard...

I've been walking a hard path along side my darling friend who recently lost her husband. (Why do we say someone "lost" someone who passed away? It's not like we don't know where he is, we do. Or why do they refer to someones spouse that passed away as their "late" spouse, Jon isn't late. He's with my Savior, if anything we are late to the party. But that's another blog, another day.)  I've struggled through the whys and how could yous of this hard time, my dear friend and I have cried together, laughed together, sat quietly together and made a heck of a mess together too. And yet one common theme still rings in our conversations. Life is hard right now. Life doesn't make sense sometimes. But, sometimes, it makes complete sense.

Today I had the pleasure of going on a quick car trip with my friend. I had the honor of just sitting and listening as she spoke. As she shared what's been happening in her world. I can't even fathom it, it doesn't seem real all the time...and yet, here we are. Tears were brimming my eyes as she shared and I shared some of what has been going on in my heart too. All the while the radio was playing in the background. Every new topic we discussed it was like God was handpicking out lyrics for us to hear. The main theme of all of the songs was pure truth. Christ endured a hard life that we might have life in Him, He will never leave us, We are never alone. And that, if nothing else right now, makes perfect sense.

This is one of the songs that was playing as we spoke:
You'll Never Be Alone

The name game

The two biggest questions I get these days are,
1. "Are you going to find out what you are having?"
2. "Do you have names picked out?"

Well the answer is yes, we are going to find out the gender we are having (so long as baby cooperates), and the ultrasound is scheduled for the 28th of this month!! 2 weeks from tomorrow is the big day and I can hardly wait!!

The second question has been harder for me. We have the boy name set, if I'm blessed with a boy he will be named Jonathan James Prickett. The name holds big meaning to my husband and I as a dearly beloved brother in Christ of ours was recently called home to be with the Lord. His name was Jonathan. My brother's name is John. So the baby would be named for the both of them. James is also a family name. My great uncle is named James and my father's middle name is James as well, so his middle name will come from the both of them.

The girl name has posed a problem for me since day 1. There have been a few names that I really like and would love to name a daughter for, one in particular being my grandmother Yvonne. I've thought and entertained several beautiful names and yet none of them seem to click in my mind as much as the boy name does. I've lost a few nights sleep over trying to find a girls name I am head over heels with, so I've decided unless the ultra sound tells us its a girl I'm not going to fuss about it anymore. (Dear baby, if you are a girl, know that it isn't a lack of love for you that we can't figure out a name for you yet, but rather, that I want just the right name for you! :-)

A boring/exciting testimony...

I found myself in prayer the other day as I was driving home from the gym. As I prayed a conversation came to mind that I had had with other believers months ago. We were talking about our testimonies and one friend commented how sometimes she gets jealous that she has what we sometimes call a "boring testimony," meaning she was saved at an early age and raised by believers. She didn't make a lot of bad choices but from an early age had walked with the Lord. My husband and I have what is sometimes called an "exciting testimony" we were both raised in good homes and grew up going to a church. But we didn't become believers until later in life and a whole lot of terrible choices came before we found salvation in Christ.

As I prayed over my friends and family, etc I found myself praying over my unborn child. I started to pray that my child would have a boring testimony...and then the Lord laid a different prayer on my heart. It doesn't matter if my child has a boring or exciting testimony. It doesn't matter what I  did or didn't do. What matters is what Christ did. He lived a sinless life, He died on the cross, He rose from the dead, He sits at God's right hand. He did it so that I could have life in Him. And so my prayer now is that my child just simply has a testimony, for that would mean that my child came to have abundant life in our Creator. And that, to me, is ALL that matters.

A long time coming...

Holy moly, I can't believe my last blog was December 2011...so sorry if you were following me!! So very much has happened since then! I am now very happily married to my best friend and love Ryan. That happened in July 2012...and we're expecting our first child, due August 2013! What an amazing and God blessed 7 months its been since we were married. It's been very challenging, we've laughed, we've cried, we've fought, and fought some more, we've mourned the passing of an amazing Godly man, we've cherished new babies born into our church family, we've said good bye to dear friends who moved away and hello to new friends that came into our lives. Ryan was blessed at the very beginning of our marriage (we were literally on our honeymoon when he got the call) to be offered a very well paying job, and at the start of this new year I lost my job and am now a stay at home wife. I wouldn't have my life any other way. God's grace has been overly abundant sprinkling into our lives at times and showering down at others but always present none the less.

And so here we are, all caught up on what I've been up to (for the most part I know I left a lot out) and now we can move forward in blogs to come! For tonight, enjoy some engagement, wedding, and family photos!

  Engaged: January 2011

 

 Married: July 21 2012

                        

 Tobinson Family photos taken Fall 2012