Dear Lover of my Soul,

I'm writing to let you know that I'm still glad that I prayed for you to draw me in closer to you...to really truly become the lover of my soul. I know that for us to really cherish you more we must endure hardships and processes to refine us like gold. Father, I want to thank you for this heartbreak. I want you to know that the pain of this 11 year on and off relationship is so real. I haven't felt this pain since those terrible nights in Korea when my fiance' left me, but you didn't leave me did you Jesus. Nope, I turned my back on you and silently there you sat waiting for me to come back. How hard it must have been for you as I lie there broken and weeping on the bed. Yearning for someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. You were there, did it break your heart to have me yearn that when all you wanted to do was hold me and tell me everything will be alright?

I know the pain is just as real for you this time too isn't it Lord? Its different this time isn't it? This time, I see you here with me, I can feel your arms around me right now as I lay here on the couch...its almost as if my cushions have disappeared and you're behind me allowing me to rest upon your chest. Whispering that everything will be alright, that I'll see. I feel you wipe away each tear as it falls, reminding me that when I finally get to heaven there will be no more pain, no more tears, and I'm comforted. I lay my head back and allow you to hold me in your arms this time. This time will be different...this time IS different. This time I asked you for this, and this time, as I wait for whats to come, I'll worship you, I'll praise you, I'll thank you, and I'll walk with you. For with you I can face tomorrow, with you I have HOPE. I see the sun shining, I know your smiling as I type this, as you fill me with your spirit of Hope...together we'll walk this heartbroken narrow path, and together I'll fall deeper in love with you, the Lover of my soul.

SO PROUD!!!!! of me :-)

Tonight I got to spend a much needed girls day/night with one of my best girls Kadie! We ended up at the Cheesecake Factory for dinner, YUM!! So I was very tempted with all of their num-yuminess, but after a small slice of bread, I remembered that on the biggest loser Jillian & Bob said not to even touch those types of baskets when they are put on the table, so I stopped after the one! Then I went on to order the "Weight Management Chicken" which was DELICIOUS!! The menu said that it was under 590 calories...I'm so proud of myself...well then I was naughty and had a slice of banana cream cheesecake but man, it was good and I didn't feel guilty eating it after doing SO well on my meal! Oh and I drank a glass of water with a lemon wedge (one of my favorites!!) I'm just so proud of myself for stepping out of my norm and trying the healthy meal and I was so not disappointed, it was so good, it was two small chicken breasts topped with tomatos and argula salad, with a small side of steamed rice and steamed asparagus. WOW! SO GOOD! If you're ever there I dare you to try it, you won't be disappointed!

one step forward

I took another step this weekend. I went to my orientation at the gym, I was so scared that it'd be embarrassing.

Here's this heavy girl getting shown all of this equipment...that same girl that once lost over 40lbs in 6 months, joined the Army, came back looking phenomenal...then gained it all and more back. I'm ebarrassed when I walk in the gym, I have to give myself a peptalk as I enter..."people will see and think, thata girl, make the change in your life!" And I'm greeted with warmness, with welcoming smiles, and kindness. I got a hello from a girl I know from school. How nice it was to be greeted by her...she'll never know the struggle that was goin on in my mind when she said hello, and how much her simple hello helped me.

So I learned how to properly use all of the equipment, which was SO cool! And then, I got onto the treadmill, despite my sore legs from trying all of the equipment. So I walked at a 2.5, for 5 minutes, then I made myself run...at a 5.0, for 5 minutes, and I hurt so badly that I had to walk, so then I walked at a 3.5 for 5 minutes and then did a 5 minute cool down. All-in-all I worked out for 1.5 hours...it was awesome, the run was the best. I know it was only 5 minutes, but its a start...and when I have my ipod I can focus myself better. My next step is to run for 10 minutes...I dont care the pace right now I just want to run for 10 minutes. Once I can work myself up to running 25 minutes non-stop then I'll start pushing my pace...can't wait for spring, I really wanna run outside, I hate hitting the treadmill...but thats what I get for now, so here we go...

I'm saving my life...one step at a time

So pardon the pun of the title, but its exactly what I'm doing. I realized this week what exactly to the tee had brought my weight gain back on...and yet it made me want to eat more...so with tears streaming down my face I called the most wonderful woman God could have ever placed in my life. I told her I was taking the first step in saving my own life...I was calling her instead of eating the junk food in my apartment.

That was on Tuesday, today I took step two. Today I drove to the Genoa Fitness Center and signed up for a membership. I also got information for The Great Genoa Meltdown...its a 12 week Genoa version of The Biggest Loser. I'm so excited. I called my mini-me to see if she'd be interested, and she is. I know a co-worker who might be as well too!! I'm a very competitive person, and I'm driven to win...but more so its about saving my life, its about not becoming one of those people who has to be screamed at by Jillian (oh how I'd love that...it so motivates me!), its about not having heartburn anymore, its about being able to run around and wrestle with Jackson and Addison and not get winded after 5 minutes, its about showing my class how to make healthy choices, its about showing myself and my class that you can do anything you put your mind to, and most importantly its about me finding the strength to love myself as Jesus, my Lord and Savior, loves me.

So I'm taking the steps to save my life...won't you take this walk with me?

WELCOME HOME!!!!!

Two more of my boys returned from the war! Justin is back in the states again with his family! and my cousin Russell is also out of harms way, but he is still stationed overseas in Okinawa, Japan and so he will be staying up on the prayer chain. Sadly, I was mistaken in thinking that Jake was home for good when he was home on his R&R, so he is back up on the prayer list as he is back in Afghanistan now.

Just a forewarning that I'm fine...despite all the ponderings and discussions on death this evening :-)

So, these last few days this winter weather has really gotten me thinking on how dangerous it really is to drive in. Yesterday I was petrified to go to school I was almost in tears, talking with Jeff. So I asked for prayer, and sure enough as I was heading to schoo-l a snow plow/salt truck pulled out in front of me right outside of Genoa and led my way plowing and dropping salt all the way to school. How awesome is God??!! Well He again proved His awesomeness (as if he needs to) when today I'm driving to Dekalb and the car in front of me tapped their breaks on which forced me to tap mine as well. Which then threw me into a fishtail and a few doughnuts and by God's grace I didn't hit anyone or anything.

So yesterday I told my sister-in-law that if anything were to ever happen to me,I would want her to care for the one I love, it reminded me of a conversation I had with my brother while I was stationed in Korea...that if I were ever to become in a state where someone would have to choose to pull the plug on me, I asked that he be the one to make the decision...because I know that John & Kandy would pull together, and they would use God's strength to get them through the days. I worry about my other loved ones, how they would take it, etc etc...

And then today I thought of what would happen if I'd lose Jeff, Jackson, Addison, John, Kandy, Mom, Dad...my list goes on and on. How would I hold up...how would I put one foot in front of the other? All I know is that God would give me a way so long as I continue to follow His path.

Theres not really a point to this post...just a peak into my thoughts the last few days.

If anything were to ever happen to me, my readers, look after my loved ones, encourage them to keep going, remind eachother how much I loved you, life, Christ. Hold eachother up when you're struggling, and keep pressing on, You'll know that I'm with Christ.

Ok, ok enough of that...like I was trying to forewarn you I'm not depressed I'm not considering suicide...just some thoughts that came through my head, and then I told the ones I love that I loved them...and thats that.