A time to trust

I struggle so bad with trust...which makes no sense, really, as I know the truths that the Lord is in control. That He knows the number of my days, and even more so that He lovingly sent His son to this world to live a perfect, blameless life and died a horrific death, that those who believe in Him would be made new in a right relationship with God through Jesus' sacrifice. So why, like a child, do I forsake the truths I know so dearly for the crippling reality of fear? The only answer I have is sin...that is my sin that I struggle dearly with. I'm so thankful that despite my sin, it's already paid for and the Lord is using my struggles to teach me and show me how to trust more and more every day...here's what has been going on in my life the last few days...

Wednesday evening was a little scary, but I had no idea how scary Thursday morning would be. I started noticing some wheezing in my breathing when I would lay down starting on Monday evening. I then developed a dry cough...and from there it transitioned into feeling short of breath as of Wednesday evening. Ryan and I decided we would try to get me into the OB Thursday morning. When I called the emergency line to hopefully get in to see the doctor, he calmly urged me to go to the er to be checked out, just to be safe.

There we found out following a chest xray that there was quite a bit of fluid retention in my chest, around my lungs and even a little around my heart...I thought, maybe pneumonia. A CT scan followed my xray to check for a blood clot, that really started to scare me. We quickly praised the Lord when it came back negative...no blood clot. Next we were informed that I would undergo an ultrasound of my heart, to check for any problems there...Praise the Lord, again...we got the all clear! The cardiologist even exclaimed, "She has a beautiful heart." Then came the next heartbreaking news, I'd be admitted for observance and given diuretics to flush out the excess fluids and try to rule out the possibility of pneumonia. As you can imagine, by this point I was a wreck; crying, high blood pressure. I was so scared of being left there all alone over night, while my husband and 5 day old son returned home without me. Imagine our delight when we found out that the hospital I was in, doesn't believe in separating loved ones if they don't have to. What a blessing to have Ryan & Jonathan by my side as labs continually were drawn and bathroom trips were very frequent thanks to the diuretics.

Throughout the course of my 24+ hour stay I dropped more than 10 pounds in water weight...with still quite a ways still to go to get all of this extra fluid out! I was released yesterday afternoon with more water pills to do once a day at a home. It's nice to not feel so swollen, I guess I didn't realize how uncomfortable I was until I lost it!  Thank you Lord, for providing a minimal health set back that could have been so much worse! Thank you for providing even the comforts of having my husband and son in the hospital by my side. Thank you for the love of friends and family who surround us and continue to help Ryan & I during our adjustment into parenthood.

A love worth waiting for...a note about my labor!

All of my life I've wanted to be a mother. I would play pretend as a little girl that I had loads of children. I hoped in my teen years that I would marry and start having children around the age of 21. But we all know how that story goes. I married at the age of 28, and my son, Jonathan, was born just months shy of my 30th birthday! As I type his tiny 4-day old self is laying in the swing within arms reach, fast asleep. I can't believe this child I've longed for all my life...is finally here. It only took 29 years in the making, 37 weeks of baking and 36 hours of labor for him to arrive. It couldn't have happened any better. God's timing is impeccable, don't you think?? He couldn't have formed a more wonderful son for my husband and myself! Jonathan is wonderful and worth every second of waiting!

I've had several people, including my doctor and nurses, tell me since his arrival how much of a trooper, champ, all star, etc I was during the whole ordeal. The fact of the matter, at least from my perspective, is that I'm not all that. Half of my labor I didn't feel anything except my water breaking...over and again! Then when I did start to feel the pain, I quickly became discouraged and asked for an epidural. Best decision, EVER! I was able to get a full nights rest and then when I woke up the next morning, it was just about time to push. I was scared the entire 36 hours...no, terrified! I didn't know what to expect, and I didn't know how everything would happen...and that is my worst nightmare. But God is gracious, and allowed me to have ways of listening to some worship music for a lot of my hours and that made all of the difference in the world! I just kept singing along with the songs in my head, and when I couldn't focus on the music because of the pain...I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I asked God to take control of the whole situation (even though I knew he had complete control over every moment of it!) I prayed that I couldn't do this on my own and that Jonathan was His creation, and begged the Lord to deliver my son as safely as possible. And he did! Thank you Lord, that your love isn't a love we need to wait for...that's its tangible and here for us now!!