Life moments

Sometimes life puts us in a position that forces us to take a nice long look at our lives. The last few months have been that for me. Its been a wild ride. A wild, beautiful, rough ride.

And yet, God has been so good to me through it all. He's brought some amazing new people to my life. Sisters that have stepped up along side me and walked with me down this bumpy road. And I am so thankful. So thankful to my God that He cares enough about me to allow me to walk this road all the while never leaving me. And to put icing on His amazing cake, He's physically put some wonderful women beside me. I praise my God for walking with me, sanctifying me, and giving me some amazing new friends who love me and care for me and walk this hard road with me all the while helping point me back to the glorious cross!

Now that's what I call Gospel community the way Christ intended it to be!

No matter what....blessed be the name of the Lord!

PSALM 113

Praise the Lord!

Praise, O servants of the Lord,

praise the name of the Lord!

Blessed be the name of the Lord

from this time forth and forevermore!

From the rising of the sun to its setting,

the name of the Lord is to be praised!

The Lord is high above all nations,

and his glory above the heavens!

Who is like the Lord our God,

who is seated on high,

who looks far down

on the heavens and the earth?

He raises the poor from the dust

and lifts the needy from the ash heap,

to make them sit with princes,

with the princes of his people.

He gives the barren woman a home,

making her the joyous mother of children.

Praise the Lord!

I found it soo fitting this week that I read this passage as the responsive reading at worship this morning. I volunteered before I had read it. What a blessing it was to my life reading through it before worship and rehearsing it at home. I still find it such a comfort. I'm surrounded by death lately. By mourning. By grief. Its hard. I don't have the answers. And I have so many questions. But I'm comforted that regardless of the situation, I have someone who knows all the answers...who knows all I can take. Even when I feel like giving up, and boy do I ever. I had to shut off my emotions regarding 9/11 because I feel like I can't take anymore...and just when I thought I'd made it through the day my mom comes home crying, she's lost a friend in a tragic motorcycle accident. LORD BE WITH ALL THAT MOURN.  "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matt 5:4 Comfort us Jesus...pick us up and move us forward...regardless Lord, your name is worthy to be praised and I will praise the name of the Lord forevermore. 

Self-Care vs. Self-Destruct

Father God,

WHY!!! Was she in pain? Was it quick? Did she cry out to you? Did she know it was coming? WHY??? That sweet little girl, she'll be so confused and grown up wayyyy too young. Its going to rob her of her childhood...and probably mess with her adolescence. WHY??? That sweet newborn boy will only have a very few pictures of the precious 10 days she had with him. WHY GOD??? WHYYYYYYYYYY? I don't get it. What will happen to this family that is destroyed? Will there be women to stand up and teach the children of her? Will we get to watch them grow up? Where does he go from here? Will they all stay together?

So many thoughts race through my mind as I think about this beautiful woman, 26 years of age, taken just 6 years after her daughter's birth and 10 DAYS after her son's birth. And yet, I can't even talk out loud about it without losing it. Those poor precious children had their mom riped from them so young. And her man, bless his heart...I can't even comprehend his pain. I do what I know best, the only thing I can do right now....never ending prayers cried out on their behalf. I have a Father, who hears them. Who is sovereign. Who knows everything I need and supplies it. Who is holding this young family in the palm of His hand up against His heart. He after all, hand crafted each and every one of these people I'm crying out about. He knows them all by name and what will happen. I find peace and hope in that. So tonight, I cry out for them...and for me. I'd rather start crying out for me and others when I'm broken than continue on the path of self-destruction. That's what happens when I don't care for myself and only for others...I self-destruct...and in that I hurt the ones I love. I don't want that. I want to love them, because I don't know when my Maker will call me or them home. But to love them the right way, I must first love me and the only way I can love me is if I'm in right relationship with my God & King.

---Thank you Kandy for being there tonight to talk with me and remind me of that...God knew I needed you. Thank you for allowing him to use you as an instrument to get through to me.---

Dear Addison

Last night was your first slumber party with me, though it wasn't planned, it was still fun! You see, there was a fire near your home, and so we brought you down to Mamaw's house to sleep for safety. You are only 2, and you were so sweet climbing up into my bed you were quite excited to be sleeping in Meme's bed. Zeke jumped up into the bed and you were even more excited that Zeke wanted to sleep by you! I covered you up and you snuggled in next to my pillow. The next thing I knew, you had left your pillow and were putting your head on the corner of mine. You put your forehead up against mine and you fell asleep. You were so sweet lying there next to me. I prayed over you as you slept. I thanked God for you, my miracle niece. You are my proof how Sovereign our great God is. You see, when your mom was pregnant with you she went through a great deal of stress. And yet, God in His mercy, chose to save you, for you to be born. And here you are. Beautiful and vibrant and full of life and personality. You amaze me every time I lay eyes on you Addison, for the simple fact that God hand knit you together. I love you sweetheart.

Love always,
Aunt Meme

Sin

Once there was a snowflake, a teeny tiny snowflake...and it fell from the sky onto the top of a hill, and then another fell and another and another, until they formed a ball. And that ball grew in size with each snowflake that fell. And then the ball became so big that it started to roll down the hill, but this wasn't just any hill it was a HUGE slippery hill. And as the snowflakes continued to fall onto this ball, the ball continued to grow in size. It raced down the hill growing bigger and bigger. And then one day it stopped right on top of a girl. And she was buried, lost under all of those teeny tiny snowflakes that together formed the biggest snow ball. She was trapped inside that snow ball and couldn't find her way out.

One day, the girl, she saw a hand reaching into the midst of that snow ball. The only hand that could pull her out of the intricate web of lies she found her self trapped inside of. She knew her Savior had come for her, had come to show her that she was worth saving, that she didn't have to trapped inside that snow ball, that she could walk in beauty and newness of life.That he had given his life that she might have hers with him in eternity With the love of her Savior holding her she stepped out of the snow ball and began life again, leaving all those little lies behind her, keeping her eyes fixed on her Savior and all he had done for her and the children he loved.

Jesus, Thank you that even though I stumble and fall into lies, that you send people who love me to help me remember I'm no longer stuck inside the snow ball. That I am found in YOU, that I'm made new and I can walk in your glorious light knowing how deeply loved and valuable I am. I love you Lord, help me to remember this when I lose sight of just how precious I am to YOU.

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE-DERLAND IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE TO BE!!

Its been over 2 years since I left, and as of this morning, I've returned. I'm re-energized to keep moving forward. How exciting!! I thought this clip was only fitting to help remind me its about moving forward!!

Stationery card

Pictures In Noir New Year's Card

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Stationery card

Pictures In Noir New Year's Card

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In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Prov 3:6

I've been watching Friday Night Lights lately on netflix, and the football coach's daughter has started dating one of his football players and in a recent episode the coach finds out that his daughter and his player are thinking about having sex (they don't!! YAY for good decisions!!) however before he finds out if they have or not he freaks out. He's a very protective daddy. I like that. I was thinking about that scene while driving yesterday and it came to mind the "big news" I thought I'd be sharing soon. You see, I reunited with an old flame recently. Well, he was going to drive up for a visit. He left late Wednesday night and was to arrive very early Thursday morning. I asked him to text me that he arrived safely, but when I woke up Thursday morning there was no text message. That's when I realized I was pretty nervous...nervous, scared...not nervous, excited...ut oh red flag! So I prayed, "Father God I know I've been praying that the next man that comes into my life for a relationship be the man I'm going to marry. Father if its not in your will for this man and I be together, I pray that he not be here this morning." And then about an hour later, I got a text message from this man. He wasn't here. Something happened to where he had to turn around at the Kentucky/Illinois border. I thanked God then, for making my crooked path straight again. After all, He loves me, and is a protective Father. I like that!

Father, God, thank you for protecting your children from heart break, and thank you for also at other times allowing us to experience the heart break. I am in total awe of you and how you know your creations inside and out, and yet you look upon us and you see Christ's radiance. You are so good to me Lord, and I am astounded by your love and care to allow hardships but to also protect me from heart break. Thank you Father. Thank You!

"I'm finding everything I'll ever need, by giving up, GAINING EVERYTHING, falling for YOU for eternity, RIGHT HERE AT YOUR FEET IS WHERE I WANNA BE, I AM YOURS FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER..."

http://youtu.be/L4JBhmdUunA

Two steps forward one step back

Thats the  story of my life with weight loss...still haven't gone to Onederland quite yet, but I will get there eventually. As for now, I'm still running and it feels great! My dad comes in this weekend so I don't know if I'll be blogging much but if I hit the 100's I'll be sure to let you all know!! Theres some big stuff coming up for me and I'm super excited to move forward! I may just have more information for you all coming soon!! Hang in there!! lol Until all my news comes rolling out enjoy some pictures from the 4th of July!!

 My best friend Beth and I rocking our festive tye-dye red white and blue shirts!

 Mamaw-Duck (my mom), myself and my nephews and niece

 Isn't she the most beautiful girl in the world!?! So in love with my niece!!

 Mom hanging out with her nephew and 2 of her grandchildren!

 My cousin Diana and I riding the kiddie rollercoaster, haven't laughed that hard in awhile!!!

stay tuned....

For all of my Biggest Loser fans out here you'll know what I mean when I say I'm 1 stinking pound from going to One-derland!!! So stay tuned and keep checking in! I'm so excited to hit it I can't even explain how pumped I am! I got up and went running this morning, which felt great but then of course I got a little bummed when I didn't hit One-derland this morning I was hoping to. How silly is that?!? lol anyway stay tuned...we need to get out and celebrate this great milestone once I hit it!! AHHHHHHHHHH sooooo excited!

A Date with me

I spent yesterday morning in a poor me state of mind, having a pity party if it were over the fact that I don't have a boyfriend and most of my friends are busy with work or their boyfriends. And then I realized I was doing that and got out of the house. It was beautiful! I took myself to Target did a little shopping, took myself to see Transformers 3D (I think I'm the only one who still appreciates and enjoys 3D movies...lol) then went to Kohls, walmart and finally met up with Kati for a Hy-Vee trip. Man it was such a beautiful day! I rode with the windows down music blaring my favorite song on repeat. There was a smile on my face! A huge one driving down the road.

So I find myself sitting here this morning trying to pull up my two face book games I have left that I still sort of play and it hits me. I'm bored. Bored of the games, bored of the house, bored of my normal. This transition is actually really fun for me! I try to be in God's word morning and evening (I'm not perfect at it but man its so cool to start and stop the day with just me and God) and I'm exercising more too! It's awkward trying to find my footing again flying solo and yet its peaceful! (When I don't allow myself to throw a surprise pity party) Life is short and it needs to be lived. God gets the glory over everything good and bad that happens and while we're here we should be dancing in the rain and singing at the top of our lungs, letting the wind whip through our hair, and loving on the ones we have while they are here. With that said its time for me to shower and go take my nephews and niece their 4th of July outfits I got them yesterday!!! YAY!

Happy 4th of July everyone! Let freedom ring and may God bless our beautiful country! Take a moment out of your day Monday and thank a Soldier and say a prayer for the ones that don't get to be home because they have the greatest honor a person could have, they are defending our freedom so we can watch fireworks and parades and have BBQ SAFELY. THANK YOU TROOPS! YOU ARE LOVED AND PRAYED FOR AND APPRECIATED!

A light ...

I was going to title this post "A light at the end of the tunnel" how ever, that doesn't fit. Because life isn't a tunnel. And Jesus, He is the light. He is the light of my life. Work was a warm welcome to me today to get out of the house and stop dwelling. I'm feeling good today, hopeful. I spent nearly an hour in my word this morning and Jesus is already molding and refreshing my spirit. I've learned so much and for that I am so thankful. I can tell that this time, I'm not anywhere near what I was in Korea. The pain, yes, BUT I have a hope now that I didn't back then, and that is what keeps me going. I'm so thankful for my best friend Beth reminding me of something I told her when I was first dating Ryan. He and I used to say it all the time in the beginning. I always said that should anything ever happen to Ryan & I's relationship that, that would mean that God had something even better for us and I couldn't even imagine how much better that would be. It floors me. As I think back on the good times, I can't imagine it any better than what we had. And that fact alone excites me! If I can't even fathom it, how amazing it will one day be! For now, I'm using this time to draw near to my Lord, to spend more time with a 2nd community group, and getting more time with my friends and family! God is good, all the time...all the time God is good...and I WILL Praise HIM through this!!

Thank-you my friends and family for your kind words. Your encouragement is a blessing more than you know! I'm truly thankful for each and every one of you even those just stopping by and reading my journey! To God be the glory! God Bless!

The dark just gets darker

Our sermon title today was something along those lines. How true it is today for me. I have "Hold Me Jesus" by Big Daddy Weave on repeat. Cause that's all I can cry out right now is for Jesus to hold me. Everything doesn't make sense to me. My boyfriend felt the Holy Spirit guiding him out of our relationship. I honor him in that decision, but at the same the Holy Spirit is prompting me that we could have been redeemed. I told him that and his response was that God in His sovereignty doesn't always redeem everything. I'm clinging to Jesus now as I feel so lost. Which scares me. I feel out of control, and I hate feeling out of control. I prayed that God would break my heart and transform me. I just never saw Him taking Ryan from me. I love Ryan so dearly. I haven't felt this kind of heartache since I was in Korea. That fact alone scares the tar out of me, as I went to such a low state of mind and emotion I don't ever want to return to that. So for now, I'm going to choose a path that is further from the path I took in Korea. I'm going to cling ever so tightly to my Savior, who even though I can't see it, has a better plan for me and my life. I just pray that He heals my broken heart and draws me even more closer to Him.  "You have been King of my glory, COME AND BE MY PRINCE PEACE...LORD YOU ARE THE PRINCE OF PEACE!" Big Daddy Weave

Answers to some questions I've been asking for years...

Dear loved ones, (and anyone else finding my blog)

I apologize for my absence...I've been going through some things, some medical things. I found out that I have a genetic condition that affects my whole body. Its answering lots of questions of why I am the way that I am, why its hard for me to lose weight, why I can go from happy to out of control angry in seconds, why I crave crappy carbohydrates, etc. I'm not fully ready to disclose what I am going through yet, as this is something I will battle the rest of my life. Please don't worry, this won't kill me...Other things could kill me as a result of this, but I caught it young enough that I can work now to change my entire life and I won't allow it to progress into what it could. No, I don't have a tumor or cancer, please don't worry.  But, because of this condition it is physically easier for me to gain weight and harder for me to lose it than the normal 27 year old woman.

I'm overwhelmed by all that I learning about this syndrome...however the one thing I know and find my hope in, is that God knew when He formed me that I would face this and that He would take care of me. Habakkuk 1:5 says this response from the Lord to Habakkuk "Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told." What love the Father has for us that He would be doing a work in me that I wouldn't believe if I were told. That chokes me up. I pray that even when I wrestle with all the questions I have of this that I would respond as Habakkuk does in Habakkuk 3:17-19 "Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places. To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments." Amen Habakkuk!! Oh to have faith like that!

My weight loss journey is still going, so don't give up on me and I won't give up either!

In Christ,
Em

Tears streaming...over a rugrats blanket?!?

                                                                      What am I...3???

No, not really...it wasn't the blanket itself, its who gave it to me that made instant water works and heart clenching as I went through my totes down in the basement to search for toys and ended up throwing some things away. You see, my grandmother gave me that blanket the last Christmas she was alive. It was all I wanted that year...and I got it from her. And then, less than a month later, she passed away. I'm sobbing as I sit here and type. And yet, I know its good for me, but it hurts all the same time. I'm reminded of the lyrics to a song, that although its taken total out of context, its so true in my heart...

                    "Time on my hands could be time spent with you"
                   I guess thats why they call it the blues by Elton John 
                       (recently song by my guy Paul on American Idol)


But what is really singing in my heart is that the time I spend grieving and wishing that blanket would bring my grandmother back...is time I could be spending with my Lord and Savior who will NEVER leave me. I should be clinging to the cross instead of clinging to that silly blanket. 


Father God, Thank you for this smack in the face realization that I am clinging on to way too much stuff stashed away where its "safe" in the basement instead of letting go and falling arms outstretched into your glorious arms. You are so wonderful. I praise you for this heart-aching pruning!

Little Miss Mary, quite contrary...how does your garden grow?

I don't know what silver bells or cockleshells or maids all in a row have to do with a garden...yet...I don't know how to do anything with a garden other than picking the vegetables at harvest time. But...I'm so excited that I'm not only the proud owner of the Idiot's Guide to Gardening, but also Ryan and I will be working on one here at my mom's house this spring and summer! We are going to pick out what we want to grow his next trip down and I am quite excited! I'm using this time as practice hoping that one day I can have a super successful garden and can use it to provide fresh and healthy food for my family and spread a wealth of knowledge to them as well!

But, for now, I'm just looking forward to a summer of gardening with my guy, growing fresh vegetables and experimenting with our hands and God's earth!

Can I tell you a secret?!?

I have a secret to tell you. I doubt that you've heard it before, it goes against everything that the world tries to tell us. It goes against how as a woman I was raised. My secret is that love isn't just a feeling, but that its a choice. I'm not one of those women who says that Disney lied to me...I don't believe that is true, they just didn't tell you the whole story of the Princess' lives. They left out the best part. They left out how hard the Princess' and Prince's had to fight to keep their love and their marriage strong. They left out the greatest love of all...the love of our Savior, who demonstrated love in its purest form when He gave His life up on the cross that we might spend eternity with Him. It is a secret that should have never been. I lived 26 years without fully grasping how to love a man. I thought so many different times and even through 2 failed engagements that I knew how to love and that I was in love...and yet, I had no clue. I thought that if it got hard and I stopped having that warm fuzzy feeling, then it wasn't really love. I thought if he didn't change to my "perfect" ways then he wasn't "the one" for me. I'm not going to tell you that you don't have a soul mate, or that there isn't somewhere in this world "the one" out there for you...what I'm going to tell you is that your soul mate, "the one" for you, is the same "the one" for me. He is your Creator, He is King, He is Lord, and He is Love. God has shown me so much about love and how to love and what it means to be loved in the last 22 months, its unbelievable. He has radically altered my perception of a relationship in the form of Ryan choosing to love me, and in the form of Godly advice from amazing men and women He has placed into my life. I am so humbled and thankful for this lesson. I pray that He never stops revealing these "secrets" that society doesn't know or doesn't tell us. That I would learn more and more of His love, that I may in turn love. And when I fail to love as I will time and time again, that I would be reminded of His power and that I am a sinner redeemed by the blood of Christ. My prayer is that you know this secret, and if you didn't that now that you do know it, that you would seek to learn more.

I was watching Fireproof this evening, the song at the end has some very powerful lyrics. Check it out:

Another one bites the dust!!!

No, Ryan and I didn't break up...I dropped another pound!! WHOOOP WHOOP!!

Heres a song that really motivates me to get up and get going....LOVE it!

I know that you are for me...

I have been struggling quite a bit lately with my mind, and the lies that fill it. In all kinds of ways such as, attacks against myself, with words that others say to or about me, with things that have happened in the past. I fight to now allow those thoughts to envelope me, and yet today I find myself struggling to the grasp the edge. Some events have led me to feel like I can't truly share myself in fear of it getting turned around and making me into seeming like a jerk. I hate that, and I know that everyone involved hates it too. Its an awful situation that the gospel does and will rectify.

How often I forget that even when it seems like all hope is lost, its not. Its the extreme opposite of lost, if I would just hold on my Savior will remedy it all, as He's paid it all as he hung on the cross.

Father, God, forgive me for being so consumed with the lies that are in my head. God forgive me for some of the ridiculous thoughts I allowed to bounce around in my mind instead of turning to You, and Your perfect word. God would I not lean on my own understanding and what I think is best, but that I would seek out You and Your perfect will, Father. That I would pause when a negative thought comes into my mind and would realize that that isn't bring you any glory or honor and that I would meditate on Your truth. Father, God, that no matter what may come or what I or anyone says Lord that I would never forget that I am Yours. That You are for me. That You aren't against me, ever, and even in that God that any evil that comes upon me had to be cleared by You first. And that You allow it not only for my good but You allow it to bring glory and honor to You. Father, how lightly I sometimes take the fact that I am Your child, how easily I forget what it means for me to be a daughter of The King. Father I pray that You continue to stir in me a renewed sense in just how precious it is to be Yours, and to know that no matter what may come or how hard it may seem, God that I'd always remember that You are for me and I am Yours. Amen

I was dead and am alive, I was lost and am found.

Last night I went and got my very first tattoo. It was an impulsive thing to do, and yet it wasn't at the same time. I didn't know I was going to go last night, but I have been thinking about getting one for a few years now. I didn't know I'd end up with the one that I did, until yesterday as before I always wanted one to honor my grandmother. She would have hated it. So I decided against it but still wanted some kind of a tattoo on my right ankle. Yesterday it finally hit me. I wanted to go get it. And the idea of the one that I got came to me and it all made sense so I went with it.  I couldn't enjoy it more.

What you see above is the tattoo that I ended up with. Its written in Korean. Its pronounced nangbija, and it is the adjective form of Prodigal. I spent a year in South Korea while I was in the Army and while I was there some major poor decisions I had made before the Army caught up to me. I chose to lie about them, and then finally decided to tell the truth. When I did that, my then fiance' Rob...left me. I was in a foreign country, newly single, a wedding gown was already being fitted for me by Korean women who spoke very little English. And I was an ocean away from all the ones I loved. I got very depressed, and really didn't enjoy my personal time while I was there. I turned to alcohol and food to take care of my needs. When I got back to America I cherished our way of life much more and now looking back I'm thankful for all of the events that happened over there that helped break me down to eventually see how desperately I was in need of a Savior. That's why it is written in Korean. Prodigal comes from the story of the Prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) This is the series the pastor at the church I was attending was preaching on when I realized I was in need of a Savior. That story is very close to my heart, especially verse 32 when the father is talking to the son that had never left his side, the father says, "It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found."

So there you have, the full story on my tattoo.

Cheater, cheater drive thru eater!

I'm ashamed of myself this week. I ate drive thru this evening...KFC grilled chicken sandwich with some kind of sauce, and fries. :-( I was starving after going grocery shopping straight after work...bad idea but it was my only time to go as tomorrow night is our ladies community night and Thursday evening my sweetie will be here!! :-)

Even worse than eating drive thru today, I have to admit that I haven't worked out in about a week. :-( And then I competed in my "Biggest Loser" Wii game's weekly competition and got 6th out of 7, and then was up for elimination because I didn't drop enough weight this week :-( SUPER LAME!

So tonight I did 5 sets of 40 crunches to kick start myself back in the right direction. :-) I need to find a better way to motivate myself!

I'm a NEW AUNTIE!!!

Kelson John Woodard arrived today at 12:42 pm! He weighed 8 lbs 2 oz and was 20 1/2 in. long! Enjoy the pics!!

One VERY proud Auntie! I love my nephews & niece sooo much!

My beautiful sister-in-law, nephew Jackson, niece Addison, & nephew Kelson!

being born is hard work!

BOOMMMMMM

Its been a few weeks of weight changes going up and back down, and fighting the urge to be lazy, but I think I finally have myself starting a routine! I purchased The Biggest Loser Wii game and LOOOOOOVE it! So, I just wanted to celebrate with you all, I'm down 1lb!!!

starting anew...

I love how human I am...so sinful too. (thats a sarcastic tone you're reading!) How many times have I announced on here that I'm losing weight, and then I dont....well...here we go again! This time I'm using a Jillian Michaels Wii game along with the combination of the Wii fit plus that came with the Wii fit board. I've been asked to be part of a bridal party in the spring of 2012 and so I'm using that as my motivation to grow my hair out and finally shed the pounds. I've figured out that my weight is assisting my attitude in a downward spiral as I've been really disliking the way I look for months now. I'm at the point where I'm truly unhappy when I see anything but my face in pictures and the mirror, and I'm fed up with it. No part of abusing my body or disliking the way I look is biblical and that alone is motivation enough to make a change. Stick with me, its bound to be a bumpy ride!