Time to be honest...with myself and all of you.

Being a young single, christian, no I'm not going to use christian...I don't like, no I hate how modern day "christians" have taken the meaning of the word and twisted and mangled it into believing in Christ but not living as you do...no let me start over.

Being a young, single, Saved woman in 2009 is hard. I wonder if its always been that way. I bet it has. Being single has to be a struggle. Everything revolves around being in love, finding your soulmate, your partner for life. As a woman in my mid-20's (I shutter at the thought, I'm in my mid-20's,) the friends I went to school with all have families of their own in one form or another. I'm the only one without a boyfriend or a husband. I'm choked up. I can't even write about my heartache in a truthful manner.

No, no matter how hard it is its time that I put it out there so that I can begin the steps to fixating my heart on where it needs to be. My heart physically aches for the man that God made to fit next to me. I'm doing ok in a matter of thinking of the one I've thought all along that was "him," not being him. I miss his friendship but I'm ok with the distance. God wants more for my marriage relationship. He wants more for my life. And yet I soooo struggle I struggle daily with wondering when my time will come. I've seen it happen time and again the moment I move away from this ache and focus on my faith, my life thats when God will bring someone in. I wonder if thats why I can't get past it yet. Maybe God isn't ready for me to have someone arrive...maybe just maybe God wants a few more songs with me.

I love a quote I found on facebook, "Dance with God, He'll allow the perfect man to cut in." I've made it to the dance, and I'm learning to sway in tune with God, however I keep clumsily stepping on His toes. God grant me grace and rhythm so that I might dance with you more intimately. I'm so alone in this world. no, I feel so alone. I'm surrounded literally by love from my family. I've never dreamt of being as close as I am with my family. I'd never have it any other way. No, its a different kind of alone feeling. When I'm sitting in my room, watching tv, playing on the net, alone. Its when I'm tired or just coming home from work I feel it most. I'd love for someone to ask me how my day was, everyday. I'd love for conversations on how the day went and to laugh about silly things I do when I'm at home and have my lil "moments" as I so often do.

I'm watching Under The Tuscan Sun right now, it always help motivate me to remember that I can do this singlehood. That I can and very well should pursue my dreams and find ways to use them for the glory of the kingdom, did you know that I am getting my degree in pastry arts?! And that I want to open my own bakery someday? But did you know I want its name to have something to do with God? I haven't figured out what yet, and I want my goods to bring glory to God and I want to serve the hungry with some of the bread that I bake. And I'm starting up my own Avon business...80% of my profits will go to the Jackson Fund (check out my sister-in-law's blog for info...http://www.woodardhappenings.blogspot.com) and the other 20% is going back to God.

Ugh, see, I've wondered from my subject. My heart longs for the man God has fashioned for me. I just need to continue to wait. Pray for me, please?! Pray for me to have patience to wait on God. Pray for me to have grace and rhythm while I continue to catch the beat as I dance with my Maker.