A light ...

I was going to title this post "A light at the end of the tunnel" how ever, that doesn't fit. Because life isn't a tunnel. And Jesus, He is the light. He is the light of my life. Work was a warm welcome to me today to get out of the house and stop dwelling. I'm feeling good today, hopeful. I spent nearly an hour in my word this morning and Jesus is already molding and refreshing my spirit. I've learned so much and for that I am so thankful. I can tell that this time, I'm not anywhere near what I was in Korea. The pain, yes, BUT I have a hope now that I didn't back then, and that is what keeps me going. I'm so thankful for my best friend Beth reminding me of something I told her when I was first dating Ryan. He and I used to say it all the time in the beginning. I always said that should anything ever happen to Ryan & I's relationship that, that would mean that God had something even better for us and I couldn't even imagine how much better that would be. It floors me. As I think back on the good times, I can't imagine it any better than what we had. And that fact alone excites me! If I can't even fathom it, how amazing it will one day be! For now, I'm using this time to draw near to my Lord, to spend more time with a 2nd community group, and getting more time with my friends and family! God is good, all the time...all the time God is good...and I WILL Praise HIM through this!!

Thank-you my friends and family for your kind words. Your encouragement is a blessing more than you know! I'm truly thankful for each and every one of you even those just stopping by and reading my journey! To God be the glory! God Bless!

The dark just gets darker

Our sermon title today was something along those lines. How true it is today for me. I have "Hold Me Jesus" by Big Daddy Weave on repeat. Cause that's all I can cry out right now is for Jesus to hold me. Everything doesn't make sense to me. My boyfriend felt the Holy Spirit guiding him out of our relationship. I honor him in that decision, but at the same the Holy Spirit is prompting me that we could have been redeemed. I told him that and his response was that God in His sovereignty doesn't always redeem everything. I'm clinging to Jesus now as I feel so lost. Which scares me. I feel out of control, and I hate feeling out of control. I prayed that God would break my heart and transform me. I just never saw Him taking Ryan from me. I love Ryan so dearly. I haven't felt this kind of heartache since I was in Korea. That fact alone scares the tar out of me, as I went to such a low state of mind and emotion I don't ever want to return to that. So for now, I'm going to choose a path that is further from the path I took in Korea. I'm going to cling ever so tightly to my Savior, who even though I can't see it, has a better plan for me and my life. I just pray that He heals my broken heart and draws me even more closer to Him.  "You have been King of my glory, COME AND BE MY PRINCE PEACE...LORD YOU ARE THE PRINCE OF PEACE!" Big Daddy Weave

Answers to some questions I've been asking for years...

Dear loved ones, (and anyone else finding my blog)

I apologize for my absence...I've been going through some things, some medical things. I found out that I have a genetic condition that affects my whole body. Its answering lots of questions of why I am the way that I am, why its hard for me to lose weight, why I can go from happy to out of control angry in seconds, why I crave crappy carbohydrates, etc. I'm not fully ready to disclose what I am going through yet, as this is something I will battle the rest of my life. Please don't worry, this won't kill me...Other things could kill me as a result of this, but I caught it young enough that I can work now to change my entire life and I won't allow it to progress into what it could. No, I don't have a tumor or cancer, please don't worry.  But, because of this condition it is physically easier for me to gain weight and harder for me to lose it than the normal 27 year old woman.

I'm overwhelmed by all that I learning about this syndrome...however the one thing I know and find my hope in, is that God knew when He formed me that I would face this and that He would take care of me. Habakkuk 1:5 says this response from the Lord to Habakkuk "Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told." What love the Father has for us that He would be doing a work in me that I wouldn't believe if I were told. That chokes me up. I pray that even when I wrestle with all the questions I have of this that I would respond as Habakkuk does in Habakkuk 3:17-19 "Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places. To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments." Amen Habakkuk!! Oh to have faith like that!

My weight loss journey is still going, so don't give up on me and I won't give up either!

In Christ,
Em

Tears streaming...over a rugrats blanket?!?

                                                                      What am I...3???

No, not really...it wasn't the blanket itself, its who gave it to me that made instant water works and heart clenching as I went through my totes down in the basement to search for toys and ended up throwing some things away. You see, my grandmother gave me that blanket the last Christmas she was alive. It was all I wanted that year...and I got it from her. And then, less than a month later, she passed away. I'm sobbing as I sit here and type. And yet, I know its good for me, but it hurts all the same time. I'm reminded of the lyrics to a song, that although its taken total out of context, its so true in my heart...

                    "Time on my hands could be time spent with you"
                   I guess thats why they call it the blues by Elton John 
                       (recently song by my guy Paul on American Idol)


But what is really singing in my heart is that the time I spend grieving and wishing that blanket would bring my grandmother back...is time I could be spending with my Lord and Savior who will NEVER leave me. I should be clinging to the cross instead of clinging to that silly blanket. 


Father God, Thank you for this smack in the face realization that I am clinging on to way too much stuff stashed away where its "safe" in the basement instead of letting go and falling arms outstretched into your glorious arms. You are so wonderful. I praise you for this heart-aching pruning!

Little Miss Mary, quite contrary...how does your garden grow?

I don't know what silver bells or cockleshells or maids all in a row have to do with a garden...yet...I don't know how to do anything with a garden other than picking the vegetables at harvest time. But...I'm so excited that I'm not only the proud owner of the Idiot's Guide to Gardening, but also Ryan and I will be working on one here at my mom's house this spring and summer! We are going to pick out what we want to grow his next trip down and I am quite excited! I'm using this time as practice hoping that one day I can have a super successful garden and can use it to provide fresh and healthy food for my family and spread a wealth of knowledge to them as well!

But, for now, I'm just looking forward to a summer of gardening with my guy, growing fresh vegetables and experimenting with our hands and God's earth!

Can I tell you a secret?!?

I have a secret to tell you. I doubt that you've heard it before, it goes against everything that the world tries to tell us. It goes against how as a woman I was raised. My secret is that love isn't just a feeling, but that its a choice. I'm not one of those women who says that Disney lied to me...I don't believe that is true, they just didn't tell you the whole story of the Princess' lives. They left out the best part. They left out how hard the Princess' and Prince's had to fight to keep their love and their marriage strong. They left out the greatest love of all...the love of our Savior, who demonstrated love in its purest form when He gave His life up on the cross that we might spend eternity with Him. It is a secret that should have never been. I lived 26 years without fully grasping how to love a man. I thought so many different times and even through 2 failed engagements that I knew how to love and that I was in love...and yet, I had no clue. I thought that if it got hard and I stopped having that warm fuzzy feeling, then it wasn't really love. I thought if he didn't change to my "perfect" ways then he wasn't "the one" for me. I'm not going to tell you that you don't have a soul mate, or that there isn't somewhere in this world "the one" out there for you...what I'm going to tell you is that your soul mate, "the one" for you, is the same "the one" for me. He is your Creator, He is King, He is Lord, and He is Love. God has shown me so much about love and how to love and what it means to be loved in the last 22 months, its unbelievable. He has radically altered my perception of a relationship in the form of Ryan choosing to love me, and in the form of Godly advice from amazing men and women He has placed into my life. I am so humbled and thankful for this lesson. I pray that He never stops revealing these "secrets" that society doesn't know or doesn't tell us. That I would learn more and more of His love, that I may in turn love. And when I fail to love as I will time and time again, that I would be reminded of His power and that I am a sinner redeemed by the blood of Christ. My prayer is that you know this secret, and if you didn't that now that you do know it, that you would seek to learn more.

I was watching Fireproof this evening, the song at the end has some very powerful lyrics. Check it out:

Another one bites the dust!!!

No, Ryan and I didn't break up...I dropped another pound!! WHOOOP WHOOP!!

Heres a song that really motivates me to get up and get going....LOVE it!