Grief

**disclaimer: I do not pretend to think that my grief is more intense or less intense than people grieving in other circumstances...I'm just here to process my thoughts and share what I'm feeling and where I'm at, with those who are here to read what I have to say.**

My dog is dying. Just typing those words wells up tears and pain I have been suppressing for years. I knew one day it would come, but that "someday" wasn't those days, so I'd weep a little and then do anything to focus on the present. But, I fear I'm at a point now where I can no longer just suppress it and move forward. He had a second "episode" as I'll call it tonight. I won't go into the details, just know, he appeared more brave than I, and like a faithful owner, I was there by his side until he was up and walking again. I lost it after that. I asked Ryan to put Jonathan to bed, to take Zeke outside, and informed him I was going to call my mother and cry. And I did just that, and then I text messaged with my dear sister in law and wept more. And finally my dad called and I wept even harder.

I shared my fear one by one with each of them, not for life without Zeke. I know that I will be okay, we'll probably even get another dog, and more so, I know that Christ will continue His reign of King in my life...His gospel will go forth. No, I fear that, in my grief, I'll not take adequate care of my son while my husband is away at work. I fear the "alone" time. But that fear, it isn't truth, is it? It's a lie. An ugly, bold faced lie. I won't be alone. Ryan text messages me every day, all day when he's working, I'm not alone. Jonathan, being all of 8 months old, doesn't leave my presence, I'm not alone. My mother, lives a block and a half away, I'm not alone. My brother & sister-in-law live a block and a half in the opposite direction, I'm not alone. I'm loved and adored by people within minutes of me, and honestly across the US in both directions, I'm not alone. The Holy Spirit dwells within me, I'm not alone. I was made in Christ's image, I'm not alone.
My sinful soul has been redeemed by my sinless Savior who paid my ransom on a cross, that I would be reconciled to him, I AM NOT ALONE.

Oh the things the Lord is doing...

Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long between posts! I have been crazy busy training for a half marathon in about 8 weeks and now being an Avon lady on top of everything else! I feel like I'm really starting to find myself again, and it is such a blessing. But I don't want to just make this an update blog. I want to share the power of repentance.

So before I can get to that, I feel that I owe you all the hard, honest truth. I have struggled immensely with admitting to myself just how big my sin is/has been.  I have known that I mess up, that I make mistakes, and I'm very open about that. But to really own it, to have my heart broken about it didn't happen. The more deeply you get to know me, the more then I'm sure you've seen the extent of just how damaging this has been to those closest to me. I have destroyed friendships from my actions. I have done deep damage to family members and those that I absolutely love more than anything in this world.

But, lately, Christ has really been showing me just how easily my words wound. How deep my sin reaches. And, so, little by little bit by bit, the Lord has been chipping away at this sin and compelling me to repentance, to reconciliation. I'm not nearly finished, the Lord is still working in my heart, but I just can't contain the joy in my heart over seeing my sin in its full ugly glory.

And man, can I just tell you how beautiful it is?? I spent a good hour yesterday just sobbing over beautiful glimpses into a reconciliation that I have desperately been begging God for. The more I rejoiced over this, the more it moved me to think on the cross. The more I thought about the cross, the more I thought about how deep the gap is between God's holy righteousness, and my ridiculously ugly sin. And all I could do was rejoice that God sent his son, his glorious son, to pay my debt. Now let me tell you, I know some of us have heard those words over and over again. But when I stop to think about the debt my sin causes...it feels so huge that nothing could ever cover that. And yet, Jesus made a way, He offered up his body as a living sacrifice to pay that debt. BOOM! How amazing is that?!?!

My prayer is that the Holy Spirit will continue this good work in me, that I wouldn't settle or push it on the back burner because it hurts or I'm scared. But that He would continue to mold me into a woman who praises the Lord with all that she has, knowing full well the depth of her sin and just how huge the cross and her God really is.

Have a beautiful weekend you guys!