A testimony through Tragedy

It's been nearly a year since my life took a re-direction...but thats not where my story starts. I'd like to share a good chunk of my testimony with you.

I grew up in the Methodist Church, mom did her best to make sure my brother and I were in church every week. I was baptized at 1 in the same church here in town that my parents were married in, almost all of my aunts and uncles were married in too, I was confirmed there too. Anyway, I didn't know anything about salvation until I was in my first year of college at Judson. It was there that I walked down to my RA's room, knocked on her door, and sat and prayed the sinner's prayer with her, giving my life to Christ. I spent a year there, and then I moved to Portland Oregon, there I quickly found a church and a small group. I really enjoyed it and the people I became friends with became my light at the end of the tunnel. As I cared for my Grandfather I struggled alot emotionally, I wasn't happy. So at the end of my year I came back home. I got involved with the wrong crowd then, I got into drugs, and abused alcohol (I wasn't 21 yet), all of the wrong choices, I made them. It all came to a screeching hault one May day when I was busted by the Police for drinking under age and doing drugs. God had a plan for me, and some how the only thing to go onto my permanent record was the alcohol. I did my probation time, paid my fees, and stayed away from drugs and alcohol completely. I didn't drink again til after my 21st birthday and even then it was sporadic, but I'd get completely wasted. It was a year later that I felt like I was completely burnt out from teaching and unsatisfied with my weight that I decided to join the Army. I made more poor choices while working with the recruiter. I lost the weight, and left for basic training. Life was great in training, I loved it. I met a man whom I respected and adored while in training, and then quickly fell in love. When I got sent to Korea I was hopeless feeling but within weeks he and I had begun to plan our engagement. It was during this time that my bad choices with the recruiter resurfaced and I was faced with a hard decision. I chose the wrong choice and I got caught for it too, as a result I lost my fiancee', the respect of my superiors, and not only hated myself but also lost all confidence in myself. (I still have a hard time trusting myself since then, through the grace of God, my confidence in myself is growing.) I spent days on end in bed, weeping. I wouldn't eat, I'd just cry and sleep. Finally, I was challenged in a suicide prevention training class to go out of my way to do something nice for myself...so I went out and bought myself two baby turtles that I had been wanting to do for months. Those turtles became my best friends, I'd talk to them, love on them, watch them grow. They needed me to care for them, I needed them to keep on going.

Fastforward to my transition to Georgia, I'd been there for roughly a year when it was time for me to go through my medical board evaluation on whether or not I'd stay in the military. It all came down to a discussion I had with a very high ranking doctor and I, in his office. I was so intimidated, I knew the question was coming...But up until these months of the whole medical board evaluation process, I hadn't really been talking to God. I knew the words to speak to "fool" people into thinking I was turning to Christ, and I spoke them. I was trying to be a good person, but really, I was fooling all of us. But now I had begun praying. My supervisor had told me that it would come down to a question, did I want to stay or did I want to go. I was so torn...I loved the Army and my job. I was good at my job and I knew that I was. I loved what the Army stood for and what I was doing for my nation. On the other hand I was facing physical pain, daily. I missed my family so much it hurt, and I felt my heart break when I came home for Christmas and my nephew cried when I tried to come near him...he didn't know who I was. So here I was, sitting in front of this doctor, and finally the question comes out...do you want to stay in or do you want to go home. I remember looking at him like I had no idea what I wanted to do. I remember feeling like I was literally sitting on a fence sideways, to my right was staying in the army, to my left was going home. I wanted to stay on the fence and have someone else push me one way or the other. So, I closed my eyes and I prayed. I asked God to help me choose, and before my prayer was over, my sweet nephew's face flashed into my brain, my heart was screaming for Jackson. So I blurted out the words before I could even stop them. "I'd like to go home." And it was done, the papers were started and soon I'd be on my way home. Months followed as I waited for my chance to go home. My nephew's first birthday was quickly approaching and I was scared more and more that I'd miss his big day and my cousin's graduation from highschool. It just so happened, my papers were delivered to me the day of my nephew's first birthday...the next day, I was on my way home. I drove 15 hours in one day, I was so excited I couldn't even contain myself. I got to surprise my cousin during her graduation party, and the following day I was sitting holding my nephew at his first birthday party!

Three months later, I'd learn devastating news of an accident involving my nephew. Anyone who knows me knows, what happened next and I can spare you the details of that. The best way to describe the whole terrible accident is to quote the scripture we worked on memorizing today in church.

Psalm 25:3 "No one whose hope is in You, will EVER be put to shame."

God wouldn't allow John and Kandy to be put to shame and He proved that last January. During those five months my emotions were all over the page. I was selfish, I was rude, I again lost a fiancee' do to my not being right with Lord I believe it didn't work out. Yet, towards the end I regularly attended church with John and Kandy, so that they could have the time with Jackson...and so Jackson could be in church. Little did I know, that God was using all of this time to call me Home, among other amazing things I'm still praising God for. I would watch John and Kandy through the whole ordeal at how much hope they would have that Christ would redeem them and bring their son home. There was one afternoon that I was supposed to leave for a trip at the beginning of it all, Yet I knew my leaving at that point would keep John and Kandy from seeing Jackson. It came down to an all out screaming match. I was so upset that I didn't want to go, I didn't want to hold them from their son. And yet it was Kandy who finally convinced me that I needed to go. That I needed to trust God to provide the correct paperwork to allow them to see him. And it was Kandy who notified me that evening that the paperwork had gone through and they had gotten to see Jackson. After Jackson returned home for good, I continued going to church with them as I felt like it was where I was supposed to be. Around three months later they would do an altar call, and I would find myself humbled before the Lord, on my knees sobbing at the foot of the altar. A lovely woman came and prayed with me and held me as I sobbed. I haven't been the same since. The Lord continues in his mercy to show me ways that I need to continue to grow and better myself to bring more glory to Him.

As my family approaches tomorrow, if any of them read this I challenge you to face it with your head held high. For our hope is in Christ and NO ONE whose hope is in him will EVER be put to shame. If we ever need a reminder of the truth in that verse we need look no further than to the two people I am so blessed and honored to walk beside in this journey of faith. Its the same two people who are cheering me on towards my baptism, and in my walk with Christ, and its the same two people that I call my brother and sister. I love you guys, walk boldly into tomorrow, we know that Christ holds it. Don't worry about today or tomorrow...we will face whatever walks into our lives with the bold strength that you demonstrated to me...through one of the hardest trials I've ever watched anyone endure. I'm honored to know you. I'm praying for the prince of peace to reign in us all, and I'm asking my readers to do the same, as I know this one year mark will bring up some insecurities and fears and struggles out of all of us that may surface during this time.