I miss Facebook...

Ok, that isn't entirely true. What I mean is, I miss the illusion that it gave me. I felt more connected with people, like I knew what was going on in their lives and they knew what was going on in mine. I miss seeing photos of my friends and their children. But I don't miss the drama. I don't miss the constant changes and fears of my privacy being violated. So I'm going to attempt to blog more so people can stay up to date with what's going on in our lives.

Jonathan is now a full blown toddler. He turned 18 months old this past week. We had his check up and he weighed in at 23lbs 12 oz and is 46.5 inches tall. The doctor talked with me a little about what to expect as a guess for Jonathan's overall height once he's fully grown...we're going to have a short little boy, big surprise there. Actually he guesses that Jonathan will grow to be between 5'8-5'11. Figuring Ryan and I's heights I'm excited to see if he will be taller than Ryan or not. He also got his last shot until he's ready to start Kindergarten. HOORAY!!! He's growing leaps and bounds these days. He still loves to dance and in addition to that he's also really enjoying squatting and then saying "ready, set, GO!" and jumping. I've only seen him leave the ground once so far but I'm quite impressed with his interest in jumping up and down at such a young age! He's such a fun little boy. He's also begun starting to test his boundaries or limits. I've begun giving him 1 minute long time outs. They seem to be working for now! He rarely gets to that point though. To this date he's only had 2 time outs and they've been about 2-3 months apart. He enjoys getting to walk around when we're out and about, however, I've noticed he's starting to experience a little stranger danger, in some circumstances. I love how he takes my finger and walks beside me. I cherish those moments so much, I know they will be gone all too soon.

As for Ryan and myself, I recently underwent a job change. I gave my two week notice to the daycare I was working out right after the holidays. I enjoyed working there, the ladies were a blast, and my position seemed to fit me to a T...but the drive and the time frame that I was working was really taking a toll on Ryan, Jonathan and myself. Now, I'm working at Ace here in town. It's really nice being back there with Mom, and getting to see some of my favorite people more often!! Ryan is doing well with work, nothing really has changed with his hours, still doing the split shift. He's also been doing quite a bit more design work on the side, it's so exciting to see him doing what he's passionate about and building his business! We look forward to the day that his design work is his only job. Zeke is doing great, we finally found a groomer that he likes and I couldn't be more thrilled! Next week Ryan will be taking him for his 3 year rabies shot...such a stressful time for me and Zeke. I pray Ryan will be able to handle it much better than I ever have been able to.

Ryan, Jonathan and I are all traveling out to Washington state in just over a week to visit my family and attend my "cousin's" wedding. I am so excited to see everyone! Rumor is we may even get to do a little scouting out the area. We are prayerfully considering a move out that way in the next 6 months-couple years. Will you join us in praying that God will guide our steps in the way that He wants us go? (Yes I realize most of my readers will be praying against the move...hehe, but that's ok. I know you all love us!)

Until next time...

Grief

**disclaimer: I do not pretend to think that my grief is more intense or less intense than people grieving in other circumstances...I'm just here to process my thoughts and share what I'm feeling and where I'm at, with those who are here to read what I have to say.**

My dog is dying. Just typing those words wells up tears and pain I have been suppressing for years. I knew one day it would come, but that "someday" wasn't those days, so I'd weep a little and then do anything to focus on the present. But, I fear I'm at a point now where I can no longer just suppress it and move forward. He had a second "episode" as I'll call it tonight. I won't go into the details, just know, he appeared more brave than I, and like a faithful owner, I was there by his side until he was up and walking again. I lost it after that. I asked Ryan to put Jonathan to bed, to take Zeke outside, and informed him I was going to call my mother and cry. And I did just that, and then I text messaged with my dear sister in law and wept more. And finally my dad called and I wept even harder.

I shared my fear one by one with each of them, not for life without Zeke. I know that I will be okay, we'll probably even get another dog, and more so, I know that Christ will continue His reign of King in my life...His gospel will go forth. No, I fear that, in my grief, I'll not take adequate care of my son while my husband is away at work. I fear the "alone" time. But that fear, it isn't truth, is it? It's a lie. An ugly, bold faced lie. I won't be alone. Ryan text messages me every day, all day when he's working, I'm not alone. Jonathan, being all of 8 months old, doesn't leave my presence, I'm not alone. My mother, lives a block and a half away, I'm not alone. My brother & sister-in-law live a block and a half in the opposite direction, I'm not alone. I'm loved and adored by people within minutes of me, and honestly across the US in both directions, I'm not alone. The Holy Spirit dwells within me, I'm not alone. I was made in Christ's image, I'm not alone.
My sinful soul has been redeemed by my sinless Savior who paid my ransom on a cross, that I would be reconciled to him, I AM NOT ALONE.

Oh the things the Lord is doing...

Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long between posts! I have been crazy busy training for a half marathon in about 8 weeks and now being an Avon lady on top of everything else! I feel like I'm really starting to find myself again, and it is such a blessing. But I don't want to just make this an update blog. I want to share the power of repentance.

So before I can get to that, I feel that I owe you all the hard, honest truth. I have struggled immensely with admitting to myself just how big my sin is/has been.  I have known that I mess up, that I make mistakes, and I'm very open about that. But to really own it, to have my heart broken about it didn't happen. The more deeply you get to know me, the more then I'm sure you've seen the extent of just how damaging this has been to those closest to me. I have destroyed friendships from my actions. I have done deep damage to family members and those that I absolutely love more than anything in this world.

But, lately, Christ has really been showing me just how easily my words wound. How deep my sin reaches. And, so, little by little bit by bit, the Lord has been chipping away at this sin and compelling me to repentance, to reconciliation. I'm not nearly finished, the Lord is still working in my heart, but I just can't contain the joy in my heart over seeing my sin in its full ugly glory.

And man, can I just tell you how beautiful it is?? I spent a good hour yesterday just sobbing over beautiful glimpses into a reconciliation that I have desperately been begging God for. The more I rejoiced over this, the more it moved me to think on the cross. The more I thought about the cross, the more I thought about how deep the gap is between God's holy righteousness, and my ridiculously ugly sin. And all I could do was rejoice that God sent his son, his glorious son, to pay my debt. Now let me tell you, I know some of us have heard those words over and over again. But when I stop to think about the debt my sin causes...it feels so huge that nothing could ever cover that. And yet, Jesus made a way, He offered up his body as a living sacrifice to pay that debt. BOOM! How amazing is that?!?!

My prayer is that the Holy Spirit will continue this good work in me, that I wouldn't settle or push it on the back burner because it hurts or I'm scared. But that He would continue to mold me into a woman who praises the Lord with all that she has, knowing full well the depth of her sin and just how huge the cross and her God really is.

Have a beautiful weekend you guys!   

The Name Game...Take 2

You may recall my first post, the name game (http://prodigalsponderings.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-name-game.html) where I explained where his names come from. Jonathan for a dearly departed brother in Christ, and James for both my Great Uncle & my father. I absolutely adore both names and more importantly the men that the names honor, so much that I'm having the worst time settling on calling him solely by one of his names. I've been experimenting with loads of nicknames, and variations of his name. And I've come to this conclusion; I have no idea what I'll call him. I enjoy calling him Jonathan and James both, so for now that's what I'm going to do, I'll continue to use them interchangeably.

Fall fun

I got to pick up my beautiful niece from preschool today! Together we made chocolate & caramel covered apples! They turned out so good, I can't wait to try them!!

One has to start somewhere...

I've been avoiding this blog for over a week now. I promised you all my "before" photos...and well here they are. (For modesty sake I'll be taking them in a tank top & shorts.)

My starting weight is 213 pounds.

My goal weight is 145. 

So there you have it...the start of my journey. Follow along as I fight to shed all of this! 

Let the countdown begin!

I can not be more excited...my little man is 5 weeks old, which means I am just days away from my 6 week postnatal check up and being cleared to get back in the gym! I am so pumped to get back in there. I've started reading articles and books on physical training to prepare and encourage myself. I want to get all of the knowledge I can as I progress so that I can pursue personal training even just as a hobby. In the spirit of progress and motivation I'll start posting photos of my progress on here, so be watching for my shots starting next week the day I'm cleared (of course it'll just be a "before") shot so that we can all see where I'm starting out.

So for today, here's some fun shots from my Army days that are some visual motivation for me to see where I'm going!